


we pick ourselves undone

by shinwoo



Category: VIXX
Genre: M/M, mentions of eating disorders, slight homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-21
Updated: 2014-02-21
Packaged: 2018-01-13 06:57:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1216846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinwoo/pseuds/shinwoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>like flashing cameras that blinds, jeans that sit too tight and cuts skin, taekwoon gets used to jaehwan too, eventually. (model!au)</p>
            </blockquote>





	we pick ourselves undone

**Author's Note:**

> written for a valentine's exchange by forvixx@lj, for user woowon. thanks a lot to my two wonderful betas p and j ♡♡♡ (started 15/2, finished 20/2 midnight)

"Monday night and here we are," Hongbin says when they push the door open to be met with glittering and bright lamps hanging from the ceiling, "I don't understand why they forced us here. These events are all about contracts and getting awful drunk pictures taken anyway. We need neither of that."  
  
It is humid, not only because of the summer heat but it's cramped in the club. There’s fifty-something people, directors and singers and models wearing perfected smiles as they push past each other to get to the person they want drunk and a deal with. Years in this industry has taught him at least this.  
  
"Top models need to represent the company for it to look good," Taekwoon responds when they slide into two empty chairs by the bar and Hongbin orders cocktails for them both. "And that's what we're here for."  
  
The air is filled with the smell of cigarettes despite the big red sign that says 'no smoking' on the door. Taekwoon reaches up to loosen his tie slightly, then runs this fingers through his hair, careful not to ruin the hairstyle that took Hakyeon two hours to perfect. It wasn't too bad, though; Taekwoon had been sleeping throughout it the whole time, but Hakyeon's 'just dare to ruin it and you'll deal with me experimenting my new styles on you whenever you have a blank spot in your schedule, punk' has him putting his hands down to his sides.  
  
"Top models," Hongbin hums, taking out his card to offer paying for the drinks, just as the first band gets on stage and Taekwoon turns around to get a glimpse. "How broken must we look to be called that," he includes quietly.  
  
Taekwoon yanks on his tie again. The air is suffocating and his pants sits a bit too tight. They've barely been here for ten minutes, and there's still two hours to look forward to. He's reluctant about the hairstyle being able to hold out the whole night. His fingers are itching, and he tries to tap them against the glass to the rhythm of the bass instead, hoping that there'll at least be no conversations tonight. The singer sings, but can't really sing, gliding up too fast on the high notes and so powerful that it falls before it fully reaches the top.  
  
Hongbin swirls the drink in his hand before bringing it to his lips for a taste and frowns. "Four years of this shit and I'm already tired. Bad singers, bad drinks, too many people. Hyung, I don't think I'll reach ten years before giving up." He looks at Taekwoon. "Do you like the cameras that much?"  
  
"I do," he replies. But it isn't what he likes the best. "I got used to it."  
  
Hongbin asks no more, and jumps off the chair to go around, because no matter how high up he is now, there are no promises, no certainty that he'll stay there until next year or next week. It's different for Taekwoon. He'd started at thirteen, kicking footballs in a milk commercial for kids, and it had never been serious, but somehow (reasons, of course, there are reasons) he's continued until now. Some people think he's just up here with the 'Supermodel' title and cover shoots on billboards all over South Korea, because he's the kid star that turned into the real deal, but Taekwoon knows better than anyone that that's not the case.  
  
Not surprisingly, his wish for a peaceful night doesn't turn out very well, and if it weren’t already for directors trying to get a shoot with their sugar-coated words then there are newbie models trying to get tips or befriend him. Taekwoon's too bad with words to ramble up a few ten sentences of excuses of why he rejects them, so he ends up with a forced smile he'd been taught all those years and gives a few tips to the models or the usual I'll-check-with-my-manager to the directors.  
  
Hongbin is doing better, a natural smile with dimples to make it even sweeter, and at the end of the night he always ends up at Taekwoon's side, drunk, with a deal for Prada's fashion show in New York in Fall. Taekwoon's thankful he's not a good drinker or else, who would get them both home without the managers around.  
  
"I always complain in the beginning of these damned parties." Hongbin laughs, slurring on his words when Taekwoon tries to get him inside the car and fasten the seatbelt. "But I would have never gotten out of the newbie roll so quick if not for drinking all night and learn the ways of sweet-talking into shoots and shows. God, I'm just glad I don't have to do the dirty stuff."  
  
Taekwoon is quiet when he leans against the seat and starts the car. He knows what Hongbin's referring to. They don't ever talk about it, so Hongbin must really be gone tonight. He sleeps until they are outside of the company and Taekwoon calls Hongbin's manager to come get him. He feels bad, only for a moment, that even after four years of being label mates, he knows nothing more about Hongbin other than his name and age and that he's a nice person that spits out honest thoughts (which also gets him scolded easily, too, Taekwoon's noticed).  
  
But it's only for a moment. Taekwoon doesn't get closer than that. He hasn't done that, not ever since Hakyeon. Digging deeper means revealing himself in return, and the thing is, he'd rather not.

  
★ ★ ★

  
The smoothie shop is still open when Taekwoon pulls up next to Hakyeon's car. Even when it's already 10pm, the air is still hot and Taekwoon leaves his suit in the car before climbing out. He hopes his hair still looks relatively good as he pushes up the door. The first thing he sees is curly, blonde hair and huge eyes glancing at him. Chanyeol's hovering over two kids and a lady, likely their mother, taking orders but breaks into a huge smile and waves energetically when he sees Taekwoon. His curls bounces as he does so, and Taekwoon has never thought he's looked more ridiculous, even when he always looks ridiculous.  
  
"Chanyeol, I think the kids are waiting for their smoothie," Hakyeon says with a fond smile when he appears, coming out of the staff-room with ordinary clothes on and work clothes folded neatly in his hands. Taekwoon raises his eyebrows. This is typical Hakyeon. It's already over closing time and he's changed yet his heart is still weak for children. "What would the little ladies want? Hakyeon-ahjussi will make it for you."  
  
"One banana-strawberry smoothie and one blueberry with white chocolate," Chanyeol says, patting the girls on their head, and flashes them a smile full of teeth.  
  
Hakyeon goes behind the counter, eyes finally landing on Taekwoon. "Would that ahjussi want something as well?"  
  
"The usual." He sits down by the counter and watches as Hakyeon throws fruits and pours milk and mixes it all together like the times back then when he used to carefully smear bb cream on Taekwoon's face to hide all the flaws, outlining Taekwoon’s eyes in black kohl. He still does it, once in a while, like today, with Taekwoon's hair, when he has time. Just that he's an owner of a smoothie shop now instead of Taekwoon's personal makeup artist. "And I thought we agreed on not working overtime all the time?"  
  
"The kids really wanted it." Hakyeon places three glasses on the counter, one regular, two pretty ones with Minnie Mouse on and Taekwoon watches as the smoothie fills them. "You know I can't say no to kids." He takes out some white chocolate and sprinkles it on top of the blueberry smoothie.  
  
"I thought you used to frown at me and remark I talked more to kids and dogs than to you."  
  
Hakyeon laughs. "You still do."  
  
"No, I don't."  
  
"Whatever you say." Hakyeon rolls his eyes and calls Chanyeol to bring the smoothies to the kids, not forgetting to add two lollipops, too. "Kids are cute, I've come to realise. Even when they drag their mother out at 10pm just to drink smoothie. I'd like kids." He laughs again and looks at Taekwoon. "I'm just sleepy."  
  
Hair falls on Hakyeon's face and Taekwoon has to curl his fingers not to reach out and brush it away. "Let Jongdae and Chanyeol take over tomorrow. It's Tuesday, there won't be many people around, anyway," Taekwoon says, softly. "You just got back from the hospital, your back must still be hurting."  
  
"Except I can't. And no, I'm fine, thank you very much, Mr. Supermodel," Hakyeon says and it's a joke, that nickname, still, Taekwoon's stomach flips. Maybe it's the three drinks Taekwoon had earlier, but he sips on the mango smoothie in order to wash all of the bad away. "Leaving the shop to Jongdae and Chanyeol without me or Ryeowook-hyung around would be like burning it down on purpose. Or letting Chanyeol cut his fingers open as Jongdae stands by the side and laughs." And then he adds, a little louder. "Chanyeol  _only_  managed to drop two brand new glasses today."  
  
"Hey!" Chanyeol comes out from the kitchen with a cloth to clean the tables with and pretends to frown. "I already said sorry, like, one-hundred-forty-two times! You can reduce my pay!"  
  
"Be quite," Hakyeon snaps playfully.  
  
"I still suggest you stay at home and rest tomorrow," Taekwoon says, sighing. "Please."  
  
"I'm grateful to have you worry about me, but I'm absolutely fine and my back's perfect." The smile that pulls at the corners of Hakyeon's lips now is more familiar. Taekwoon had gone three years thinking it was The Special smile, but it's not. It's just Hakyeon being worried about his friends, because Hakyeon worries about everything and everyone, like Hakyeon asking Taekwoon about his grandma’s health once in a while even though they’ve never met. "Honestly, Chanyeol just came to work with a fever, I thought I'd let him stay at home tomorrow."  
  
There's finality in Hakyeon's voice, and Taekwoon doesn't argue further. He drinks up the whole glass when Hakyeon's busy taking the pay and giving more lollipops to the kids, waving goodbye and closing the shop. "I'll drive you home," he says, when Hakyeon's all finished. "It's not  good for you to drive when you're sleepy. Take the bus to work tomorrow."  
  
"You keep making me reject all your good intentions tonight, Taekwoon, making me feel all bad. But Chanyeol's sick, I told you, so I'll drive him home."  
  
"I'll just drive both of you home."  
  
Chanyeol rolls his eyes. "I will be fine, please, I’m not a kid." They go out and Chanyeol locks the door. "You should let Taekwoon-hyung drive you. Don't think I didn't notice you trying to not doze off at lunch."  
  
"If you really think so, then…" Chanyeol pushes Hakyeon towards the car and nods. Taekwoon's nails stings against his palms. He slides silently inside the driver seat and Chanyeol opens the door for Hakyeon to get in. "Remember to drink your medicines, Chanyeol!"  
  
"I will! Drive safely, Taekwoon-hyung!" Then Chanyeol's off, his blonde, curly hair bouncing up and down like before again as he takes long steps and Hakyeon insists they sit inside the car a bit more so that he can see Chanyeol disappear around the corner without fainting or something.  
  
"You worry way too much," Taekwoon remarks.  
  
Hakyeon shakes his head. "I worry just enough. It's just that some people causes worry. Like him." Taekwoon turns on the engine and feels Hakyeon's gaze on him. "And mostly, you, of course. You complain about me overworking, but looking at you makes me believe you haven't slept properly in days. Or eaten, for that matter. And look at your hair, what did I say about—"  
  
"Hakyeon," Taekwoon breathes, preventing a tiny smile from forming. "I'm driving, one thing at a time thank you."  
  
"Okay, your hair first then. I was serious about my warning, mind you."  
  
"And I was serious about not trying to ruin it, too, and mind  _you_ , I kept it that way until half an hour before the party ended. New record." Taekwoon doesn't mean to, but he lets out a laugh. He stops himself midway, and Hakyeon doesn't have anything to say about it.  
  
"Your health? Are you eating properly?"  
  
"Of course I am." There had been reasons why Hakyeon quit his job in the modelling industry. Taekwoon knows what he's worried about. "I'm just being forced to eat a  _little_  bit lesser, for a photo-shoot. But you know I eat."  
  
"Just in case."  
  
They're soon at Hakyeon's home. Taekwoon won't have time until two weeks later, now remembering that there's a packed schedule for this month. There's a three days photo-shoot in Tokyo and preparations for Summer Fashion Week and the thing itself. "Don't you have more questions."  
  
Fiddling with his fingers, Hakyeon shrugs. "How are things with Sojin?"  
  
The question catches Taekwoon off guard but he's mastered the art of showing no surprise. "Are you reading scandal magazines now, too?"  
  
Laughter. "I don't need magazines for that stuff. I have Hongbin and Myungsoo telling me things when I ask them."  
  
"Those kids." Taekwoon pulls up outside the apartment building and stops the engine, but Hakyeon sits still. "It's all the same. What's there to tell?"  
  
"I thought… maybe you could…"  
  
The thing with Hakyeon is, other than worrying enough for two people, is that he only knows what he thinks is best for a person without considering what that person really wants.  
  
"Go in, you must be tired." Taekwoon's always avoiding, and Hakyeon's no stranger to that, so he opens the door and steps out without another word. "Don't overwork again, and try not to carry all those heavy boxes by yourself. What are you even using Chanyeol to? Get him to help you. If you need to visit the hospital again while I'm away these two weeks I'm going to force you to hire more people."  
  
"You nag like my mother, Taekwoon. And people think you don't talk." Hakyeon gives him a wave and a small grin. "And you, you shouldn't destroy yourself over these two weeks. Eat, and sleep. Drive safely, and call me if there's anything."  
  
Taekwoon wonders, when he drives to his own home, how Hakyeon could forget that it's impossible to not destroy yourself in this industry. And perhaps, Hakyeon's living the illusion that Taekwoon's not ruined yet, because he’s already in pieces.

★ ★ ★

  
Getting used to cameras had been harder than falling for football and kicking footballs until his legs ached or falling to the ground, scraping his knees and coming home to a mother sighing over the bruises. There had been a time when Taekwoon hated cameras and the way it flashes. He disliked being captured. It'd been a horrible feeling to shoot his first milk commercial, even though he was on a field, with football cleats on and all he had to do was kick a football. Easier, it couldn't have been.  
  
He doesn't remember the exact reason why he agreed to shoot it in the first place, but there's a vague memory of a promise that he'd get to attend football lessons if he did, because his mother had always been all for having her kids seen on the small-screen. Taekwoon does remember being nine and seeing his oldest sister acting in a drama as a child-role, being eleven and following the youngest sister to the shooting location for some clothing commercial. middle sister never wanted any of that, and instead concentrated on her books, and mother couldn't help that.  
  
Taekwoon was last. He never thought he'd be the only one in the business until today. Never thought he'd choose standing in front of cameras with layers of makeup on his face instead of attending university and training football with others. Sometimes, he imagines all of that. Imagines feeling nervous for the recruiting, imagines  _being_  recruited for a good team, imagines running in the field again.  
  
But fantasies ends somewhere, and for Taekwoon, it's when the camera flashes and the jeans sits too tight around his already skinny figure. The clothes he wears are made for perfect people and Taekwoon knows, despite his title as Supermodel, that he's anything but that.  
  
It's too late for quitting. This is what he tells himself. If he quits this, then he'll really have nothing. After a few years, he'd learned that you don't need to love it to be addicted to it. Right now, without the painful marks on his body because of the clothes, or the too bright flashes, seeing his face on covers and billboards Taekwoon doesn't know what else he'd have to hold onto.  
  
Hakyeon would call him crazy, but Taekwoon would like to continue until the day his cover shoots fall off billboards to be replaced by someone else's face, even if it takes, takes, takes pieces of him until there's nothing left to take.

★ ★ ★

  
Sojin is in the meeting room when Taekwoon arrives, hair in a ponytail, and her eyes crinkling up into a smile when she sees him walk through the door. It's nice, the way she smiles, and this, Taekwoon knows, is that type of a special smile only for him. He's sad he can't give her anything back.  
  
"Good morning," she greets, patting the chair next to hers, gesturing for him to sit down. "Have any ideas what the director wants to talk about so early?"  
  
Her hand feels warm on his knee, and she flips through a magazine on the table without showing any concern about it.  _Friends_. She said she’d be okay if they’re only that, too. So he lets her hand stay.  
  
"Probably our usual 'family meeting', I guess," he replies. Their director likes to keep the people under his care updated with each other's things, and he truly treats everyone like his children. He'd say this is the reason why he's stayed in the same company for so long. "You dyed your hair."  
  
She hums. "I had to. Those scandals," she waves her hand and steals a glance at him, a playful glint in her eyes, "made me grow grey hair." She lets her hand fall from his knee. "I'm kidding. My comeback with Minah is soon."  
  
"I… I'm sorry about that. Did you have a hard time?"  
  
"I'm fine. Well, as fine as I can be, having the whole nation think that I got dumped by you, then got back together, then dumped again?" She laughs at his expression, and Taekwoon's relieved to recognise that this kind of laughter means she's sincerely all right. "It's nothing. I've been in worse situations. This will die out soon enough." She looks down on her nails, but doesn’t really  _look_. "All those false rumours, though. If only any of that was true…"  
  
They’d been for lunch, only, and it’s a normal thing. Sojin requests to eat together whenever they stumble into each other and Taekwoon doesn’t have a reason to say no. He hadn’t expected anything of this to break out. He leans back against the chair and pretends not to hear her last mumble when Myungsoo enters the room with Hongbin right behind him.  
  
"Good morning, hyung," Myungsoo says, then looks over to Sojin, "and noona."  
  
"I have a such a headache," Hongbin sighs, reaching over for a glass to pour water into and Myungsoo laughs. They sit down across from Taekwoon and Sojin, taking up their phones, not bothered by the silence as they await the others' arrival. "Sanghyuk's still in Malaysia for his runway show, right?"  
  
"Kyungri's not in Seoul, either," Sojin chimes in. "She's visiting her sick grandma."  
  
Small conversations are what Taekwoon enjoys listening to, but they've all known him long enough to not ask him to join. The director arrives just in time, and starts with telling them the plans regarding this summer: Minah and Sojin's comeback for next month, later going on to Myungsoo, Hongbin and Sanghyuk's joint CéCi Summer Photoshoot in Jeju.  
  
"At the same time, there's also a wedding dress shoot by a fashion designer in Taipei that Kyungri's a part of," the director says, flipping through his papers. "And she needs a male model from our company to accompany her. This is the most important part for today."  
  
"I volunteer?" Hongbin says, grinning, while rubbing his temples.  
  
"If you could find a twin who could do the CéCi shoot with us while you drool over Kyungri-noona in a wedding dress then maybe our director would let you," Myungsoo says, rolling his eyes. "Please pay attention. I think Taekwoon-hyung's the only one with no schedule at that time?"  
  
The director nods slowly. "I thought of Taekwoon, too. But I also have something to announce, and that is my plan of having another model debut this summer. So, I thought, I'd make him do that."  
  
"I thought we only had trainees for the upcoming idol group?" Sojin asks, raising her eyebrows and Myungsoo looks just as surprised. "Or did I miss out on something?"  
  
"We do only have trainees for the idol group right now," the director says. "It's complicated. Anyway, I'll need one of you to guide him before that, also help him with his test shoots, so I'll contact you somewhere under next week, when I find a hole in your schedule, is that okay? He's a special kid, I'd like it if you could help me make him feel a bit better about switching from singing to modelling. No matter what, I want him as a model, at least in the start."  
  
Taekwoon looks up, and taps his fingers against the table. He usually never speaks during these meetings, as he's never felt the need to give opinions to anything at all. "Isn't that a bit selfish?"  
  
Sojin's gaze flickers to him immediately, eyes reflecting a question mark. Hongbin clears his throat, and Myungsoo looks down on his feet. Silence fall on them as the director raises his eyebrows. "Well, I think that's a first," he says, laughing. "I mean, to hear your opinion on things, Taekwoon."  
  
"I apologise if I appeared rude, but if he's spent time on practicing singing or dancing, or whatever it takes to become an idol, wouldn't it be very unfair to shove him to another path? What about his dream—" He stops there. Personal matters shouldn't ever collide with business, Taekwoon had forgotten that for a moment. "However, these are only my thoughts. I apologise again."  
  
"I don't see anything wrong with what you said." The director shakes his head. "I understand your thoughts completely. Keep in mind, though, that I would never do it without his agreement. So there's no need to worry. I've come up with many opportunities for him in the future that involves a solo career. I also think he'd fit better as a solo artist. Is that enough?"  
  
Taekwoon draws his lips together into a thin line and nods. The meeting is concluded. Sojin suggests lunch together, to which Myungsoo and Hongbin eagerly says yes to while Taekwoon has no preferences. He's always dragged along either way, and he doesn't have any complaints about it. He has to get ready for his three days in Tokyo, though. His flight leaves at 4pm. He’s got about six hours. There's also a call with his mother he hasn't made yet.  
  
"Must be the 'sparkly-eyes' guy that Wonshik talked about," says Hongbin suddenly when they're all sat down in the little dim-sum restaurant a few minutes from the company. Sojin had decided on this place, and Taekwoon doesn't know if it'd been on purpose, or out of habit, considering the many times she'd been here with Taekwoon.  
  
"Who's Wonshik?" Myungsoo asks, looking at the menu. Sojin orders for herself, and for Taekwoon, too, without him needing to tell what he wants. "New friend?"  
  
Hongbin shrugs. "I'm friendly, okay, I actually make time to get to know our trainees." Myungsoo pretends to clap and it earns him a kick under the table from Hongbin. "Anyway, Wonshik said they were supposed to debut in the same group, but suddenly the boy said he'd be a model instead. He said they lost their main vocal or something."  
  
"Nothing makes sense for me." Myungsoo reaches up to brush hair from his eyes. "Like Taekwoon-hyung said, if he's been trained to debut as a singer, why would they push him to debut as a model."  
  
"Remember that our director surely has good reasons," Sojin reminds them. "And you heard what he said, that boy agreed to it. You guys should only focus about how to make him feel at home as a model."  
  
Taekwoon picks up chopsticks and tissues, handing everyone it. "He shouldn't have his debut so soon, though, if that has just been decided," he says, quietly. "It would've been easier to have him as a cameo in a commercial or something. Give him time to practice. Does he even know how to pose or walk a runway properly?"  
  
Sojin nods. "But you know, as a trainee for an idol group duo, Minah and I both had to take easy modelling lessons, too. We are models, too, kind of. I bet he's okay."  
  
"Why would you nickname someone 'sparkly-eyes' anyway?" Myungsoo asks, snorting.  
  
The waitress comes out with four glasses of ice tea, placing them down slowly as she glances at all of them with round eyes. She's blushing madly when Hongbin smiles at her, and then stumbles away. "Wonshik says his eyes are special. Alive. Pretty sure our director fell for them or something."  
  
The food arrives and Taekwoon remains silent during the whole time, and even if he notices Sojin's stares, he pretends that he doesn't.

★ ★ ★

  
"We'd like you home for your grandma's birthday." His mother's voice is weak, weaker than last time they talked, and guilt trips him when he reminds himself that last time had been a month ago. He avoids so much that he forgets it's his own mother he's pushing away. "That shouldn't be too hard, right? Considering it being summer and all. Do you have a tight schedule? Grandma misses you."  
  
Taekwoon squeezes the phone between his shoulder and his ear, to take down a few shirts hanging in the closet. He's just going to take everything out for Shinwoo manager to look through it for him later when he arrives. It doesn't matter what he wears, his manager will always find a way to point out that  _something's off with this outfit_. It's better to let him decide.  
  
"There shouldn't be any problems if I speak with my manager in advance."  
  
Phone calls with his mother are all the same.  _How are you lately? Do you eat properly? I bought the magazine that you had a shoot with. I watched the runway on television._  Taekwoon will keep his answers short and she will always end the call with a sigh. He knows there's another thing she always wants to ask, but chooses not to, instead, and Taekwoon's thankful.  
  
_How is your foot?_  
  
_Did you go to the hospital to check it?_  
  
It's been years. Taekwoon still refuses and she still regrets. For what reasons, he's not sure. Him slipping on the field that day, because of the rain while running for the ball, him having bad luck for it to turn out to be such a serious injury, him avoiding instead of going through the whole physical therapy after his surgery, him deciding to quit — none of that had been her fault. He finds no use in telling her to stop blaming herself,  because he knows his father does that enough.  
  
"Take care of yourself," is what she says before ending the call, and Taekwoon stands still for a second.  
  
Then the door rings and he quickly puts the phone down to open it. In comes Shinwoo manager with a phone plastered to his ear, eyebrows furrowed, and he waves briefly at Taekwoon before going into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. Taekwoon ends up packing alone; throwing a few of his favourite shirts and cardigans with a couple of pants into his suitcase while Shinwoo stays on the phone for almost twenty more minutes.  
  
"All finished?" His manager asks when he hangs up.  
  
Taekwoon closes the suitcase and zips it. He nods at the phone. "What took so long?"  
  
"Ah, it was just Sanghyuk's manager. He couldn't get to the director so he called me instead," he tells, putting the phone in his pocket. "Sanghyuk had… problems, again."  
  
Sunken cheekbones and bony arms and legs. That's the only memory Taekwoon has of Sanghyuk right now, all that's left of a boy who started out with shining eyes and a healthy body. He grips the suitcase and stays silent, then asks, "Is he okay?"  
  
"He should be. He collapsed right before the show, though, and was admitted to the hospital in Malaysia. They're on the plane home right now, but Sanghyuk will have to stay in a hospital for a few more days."  
  
Shinwoo shakes his head, and runs his fingers through his hair. Taekwoon knows it's not the first time he's dealing with things like these. Shinwoo's been his manager in four years now, but Shinwoo's been in this business for a bit longer than Taekwoon, been manager to a lot of different models, too. Models, who were maybe not as healthy as Taekwoon. He's dealt with heavy stuff, but he's a nice person, sometimes caring, and Taekwoon hopes he'll stay as his manager until the end.  
  
"Sanghyuk hasn't fully recovered from his last collapse yet, I don't know why he still insisted on not taking a break. That kid's just way too young for this."  
  
Taekwoon had been young when he started, and he's still young. "You can't take breaks," he says. "Unless you're sure you have your face on enough places where people can see you everyday and not forget you, you cannot take breaks. Stars fall faster than the rain."  
  
"Suddenly being poetic and all," Shinwoo manager laughs. "Let's go get coffee. I'll treat you."  
  
Sometimes Shinwoo's more like a friend, and Taekwoon finds it amusing, but wouldn't have it any other way.

★ ★ ★

  
It's on the last day in Tokyo that Taekwoon receives the call, on his way to the airport. The director is dragging out on the words as he talks, swinging from one subject to another without getting to the point, and Taekwoon waits very patiently while tapping his index finger to his knee.  
  
"You probably remember what I brought up last time about our new model needing someone to coach him through his first test shoots and before his shoot with Kyungri, right?" he says, and Taekwoon had honestly forgotten about it. Until now. "I thought about it, and honestly, no one but you would fit for this. You'll do a great job, right?"  
  
Taekwoon has a 'no' on the tip of his tongue, but that's not what expected from him. He is quiet, fingers drawing circles on his legs as he thinks. "Okay, I'll do it."  
  
"That's good. I checked your schedule, and seems like you're free tomorrow. Come to the company around two and he'll be waiting in our café."  
  
He hangs up, and tries not to pull a grimace when Shinwoo looks at him questioningly.  It shouldn't be too hard, he thinks, but there's something about the nickname 'sparkly-eyes' that displeases him. Especially when his own eyes have always come out dead in pictures, dark and lifeless. Taekwoon smoothes out his shirt and pushes back the uneasy feeling tugging at him.

★ ★ ★

  
Hongbin visits suddenly for lunch together (and refuses rejection) at twelve, dressed in tight jeans and a loose Superman t-shirt. Makeup free face. Taekwoon often forgets, that Hongbin is only twenty, and still a kid. It’s a little bit hard not to when most of Hongbin’s projects so far have been revealing more skin than he should, eyeliner rough around his eyes and gaze so piercing yet empty. Myungsoo likes to joke that Hongbinnie aren’t you wearing too much and they laugh, but Taekwoon notices the way Hongbin wraps arms around himself sometimes.  
  
"No bb cream, nothing on my face. Manager's gonna kill me once he finds out," Hongbin says, grinning childishly, and pulls the cap down while waiting for Taekwoon put on his shoes. "But I can't apply makeup, so it's better to let it be."  
  
"You look just fine," Taekwoon offers, and Hongbin's grin widens.  
  
They end up getting salads at a coffee shop near the company, both having appointments to leave for soon. "I heard that the director chose you? I mean, as the ~coaching~ thing." Hongbin looks up curiously, picking out the tomatoes from his salad only to have Taekwoon put it all back again. "Hyung," he whines.  
  
Taekwoon ignores it, and proceeds to pour dressing over his own salad. "He did. I'm actually meeting the new boy today."  
  
Their lunch continues in silence, but it's the comfortable kind. Hongbin eats one or two tomatoes, chewing slowly and glances nervously at Taekwoon before secretly tossing the rest to the side but is still forced to eat up everything in the end.  
  
"Such a caring hyung," Hongbin mutters with a grimace while he stabs the last tomato and shoves it in his mouth. The corners of Taekwoon's lips pull upwards.  
  
Half an hour later finds Taekwoon sitting on one of plastic chairs outside the trainees' practice room, waiting. It would be an exaggeration to say that he's curious, but his eyes flickers up from his phone once in a while. Without really knowing the reason, he just feels like he needs to be prepared.  
  
The arrival is still sudden, and it isn't until a voice speaks, "Jung Taekwoon-seonbaenim?" that Taekwoon quickly stops the music and glances to the clock, realising that fifteen minutes have gone by already.  
  
Taekwoon blinks. "Yes, it's me." The man in front of him is all black hair that sticks out in every direction, dressed in black jeans and worn-out t-shirt with a grey hoodie upon. Despite it being in the middle of June, and the summer heat is unbearable, really.  
  
"You didn't wait long, did you?" His smile is wide. Cheerful. Yet there's a bit of nervousness that makes his mouth curl down a tiny bit. And Taekwoon can't come up with anything to say. "I'm Jaehwan." Soft, and so very impatient; Jaehwan has the the kind of voice Taekwoon dislikes the most.  
  
Then he meets the eyes and his fingers curls. In high school, Taekwoon remembers taking literature as an extra, and his teacher had ordered them to hand in at least three to four poems or short stories at the week's end. That's what he blames it on when he sees Jaehwan's eyes and is reminded of stars when the night is the darkest, and he is almost certain there’s a possibility that they would still shine in the middle of the day.  
  
"Taekwoon-ssi?" Jaehwan holds out his hand and lifts his eyebrows, tilting his head to the side and Taekwoon is suddenly aware of the fact he's staring. Not flustered at all, he grabs Jaehwan's hand and lets go just as quick, before standing.  
  
"No, it's fine. I only just arrived."  
  
"I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do," Jaehwan says, laughing softly and they start moving, pushing up the door to go out without really knowing where to go. "I mean, it's all happening too fast." He pulls down his sleeves so that they cover his hands and looks at Taekwoon. "It's nice to know that someone will answer my questions, though!"  
  
Taekwoon offers to buy coffee for both of them in the company’s café and Jaehwan sips on his frappuccino silently. It’s an uncomfortable kind of quiet, and Taekwoon clears his throat.  
  
"You should be having your test shoots soon," says Taekwoon. "It’ll be pretty simple, don't worry too much." Jaehwan’s staring at him with wide eyes now, far more concentrated than he actually has to be. Taekwoon doesn’t even know what he’s  _supposed_  to say. But he knows he thinks Jaehwan might get wrinkles soon if he keeps smiling like that. "Just do what they tell you to do."  _Rip your soul out and give it to them_. "Put effort into it, but try to look relaxed."  
  
Jaehwan swirls the straw around in the plastic cup and juts out his lower lip. Taekwoon hopes that wasn’t attempted aegyo. “Okay, that’s.” Hands rubbing away sweat on his jeans. “Nice to know.” And just when Taekwoon thinks his smile cannot get any wider, they pull upwards again and Taekwoon is sure it’s because of the sunlight that he thinks Jaehwan’s eyes are  _twinkling_. He looks away. “Thanks a bunch, Taekwoon-ssi! Or seonbae. I think seonbae would—”  
  
“You should,” Taekwoon interrupts, “really try to cut down on the hand movements. You’re revealing too much.”  _Of what you think and what you feel and no one in the world you’re about to enter will care about either_. He says nothing of that. After a while, Jaehwan will learn.  
  
Round eyes grow rounder. “Oh, oh… revealing?”  
  
Jaehwan tugs at the sleeves of his hoodie, and bites his lower lip, hand reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. He is obvious about every feeling and thought, shown in his every way that he moves, emotions reflecting in his clear eyes. Taekwoon is curious about how long he'll last.  
  
“You should also be aware of that you’ll probably have to go through six, or so, months of free photo-shoots and runways before you get pay for something. It’s the basics of a newcomer. In exchange, the photographer might provide you a collection from the shoot, or you’ll get the clothes you wore on the—”  
  
His phone beeps. It’s Shinwoo manager reminding him that he’s got a packed schedule in seven whole days for the Summer Fashion Week, and meeting with the whole staff starts in two hours. the makeup crew is here already, hurry to your apartment and we’ll get you ready. we need to leave in an hour!  
  
“Sorry.” He puts the phone back and Jaehwan’s gaze follows his hand only to look up straight into Taekwoon’s eyes a second later. Taekwoon is caught off guard again. He dislikes it. Dislikes the way his stomach twists. “I have a schedule to hurry to, and I won’t be available for about a week.”  
  
From the moment they met until now, Taekwoon catches a glimpse in Jaehwan’s expression that is not nervousness or slight excitement. He almost mistakes it for disappointment, but then Jaehwan’s eyes are turning into half-moons. Taekwoon’s fingers curls around the strap of his bag, and the little weird knots in his stomach make no sense. And really, he shouldn’t have agreed to do this in the first place.  
  
“Thank you for willingly helping me,” Jaehwan says, a little bit too loud, and Taekwoon grits his teeth. “I think the first thing I saw when I put my feet into this place was your picture all over the walls. You’re really great!”  
  
Taekwoon sincerely wonders if Jaehwan ever stops smiling. It wouldn’t be good for his skin. He was serious about the wrinkles. “It’s all right,” he says, taking out his phone again. “I only did what I was asked. You probably have more to ask, feel free to look up someone named Hongbin. Or Myungsoo.”  
  
“Of course, I know them. Or well, I don’t  _know_  them, but I’ve seen them…” He interrupts himself, and his cheeks colour. “I’m sorry. I tend to talk a lot after getting to know someone a bit better. But yeah, you should hurry to your schedule! I’ll see you again, seonbae!”  
  
Taekwoon presses his lips together, but says nothing. He stands, and picks up his things, and leaves with a simple nod.  
  
He is sure it must be the sleepiness catching up after the three days without it in Japan, because on the way to the shooting location, one and a half hour later, all he sees is still half-moons and stars, behind closed eyelids.

 

★ ★ ★

  
June comes to an end with the Summer Fashion Week wrapping up successfully and Taekwoon’s home again with a week’s break before his next projects. Shinwoo manager strictly told him to stay at home and take it easy, but Taekwoon sleeps ten hours straight before washing up and getting dressed.  
  
Chanyeol is in the midst of carrying newly arrived supplies to the smoothie shop, pulling grimaces as he does so, and Taekwoon’s not sure if it’s because of the heat or if it’s heavy.  
  
“You should’ve stayed at home and rested,” Hakyeon shouts from inside the shop when he sees Taekwoon helping Chanyeol. They’re having the door open today, because the air conditioner broke and the customers would be showering in their own sweat otherwise even if the smoothies are made with more ice cubes mixed.  
  
He comes out with drinks for both Chanyeol and Taekwoon later, and they sit outside the shop for a while. “I’m not coming to work if you don’t fix that air conditioner soon,” Chanyeol whines, gulping down his banana smoothie as he wipes sweat away. “It’s like, the hottest point of summer right now, why did that damned thing break down.”  
  
“I’ll come with you to buy one if you want to,” Taekwoon offers, and his palms feels nice wrapped around the cold glass. Disliking the dreadful humidity is one thing, but Taekwoon’s always liked summer. It’s the strong memories of sweat running down his forehead, ache in his legs, shouting back and forth and most of all, the happiness that spread in his chest. He sips on his smoothie. Too bad he’s still afraid to run.  
  
“I’d have to bother you, then,” Hakyeon hums. It is only when Chanyeol goes away to get more to drink when Hakyeon asks, “How is Sanghyuk? I heard he collapsed again.”  
  
“He’s all right now.”  
  
Taekwoon isn’t sure, but he’s heard pieces of conversations between Shinwoo manager and Sanghyuk’s manager, also had Hongbin send him text messages. He’s never been that close to Sanghyuk. He looks down on his shoes and kicks a few stones. Except for Hakyeon, he hasn’t been and isn’t particularly close to anyone even after so many years. He hasn’t found it very necessary, and they’re all understanding enough not to press further.  
  
There’s Sojin. He thinks of the way her mouth curls up into a smile made only for him, and how she takes steps towards him only to have him back away. She’d be good, too good, for him. Too nice and beautiful to have him break her heart once she’s digged deep enough. And Taekwoon’s face is on billboards because he has secrets hidden.  
  
“I thought of visiting him, but I don’t know his schedule, and we… we haven’t seen each other in a while now,” Hakyeon says. “But you should. I mean, visit him. Bring him food and force him to eat or something, I don’t know. Just make sure he’s not alone in these situations.”  
  
Caring, caring Cha Hakyeon. “I said he’s fine, now. He has his manager. Hongbin and Myungsoo has probably visited him, too,” he says. “And he’s young, but he’s not a kid.”  
  
The glass is no longer cold, and the banana smoothie tastes like warm soup now. Taekwoon puts it to the side. It’s not like he doesn’t care. He’s just not… close. And he likes it this way. Likes the distance between him and them.  
  
“Whatever you want, then,” Hakyeon whispers, and Taekwoon feels his eyes on him for a few more seconds before he brings both of their glasses to the kitchen, leaving Taekwoon sitting outside alone.  
  
He climbs into his car and drives home without saying goodbye, but messages Hakyeon later on LINE to leave the shop to Jongdae and Chanyeol on Saturday so that they can go buy the air conditioner together. His eyes lands on Sanghyuk’s name, though, and his finger hovers over it before he tucks the phone away.  
  
Hongbin is caring enough, but Taekwoon knows he doesn’t push people. Myungsoo’s been through all of that, so he  _knows_  he shouldn’t push. But Sanghyuk is a brat, that, Taekwoon knows, and he’s reached a stage where he won’t eat until he’s collapsed.  
  
Still, he doesn’t pick up the phone again to click on Sanghyuk’s name even if he spends the rest of the day feeling guilty.

★ ★ ★

  
Layers and layers of makeup can hide what's underneath to everyone, but Taekwoon's a bit disappointed that he can see everything clearly. No matter how firm his feet are on the ground, or how tall he stands, he's been where Sanghyuk is, too. Almost.  
  
The steepest downhill of his career had been at twenty. Age of blooming. The people starts wanting more, and they would gently shove innocence to the side as they demanded a more mature, grown-up image.  
  
_Lift your shirt a bit._  Easy.  _Cut down on the eating._ Not so easy.  
  
Eating two to one meal a day would slowly grow into nothing at all but water in seven whole days and eventually they would be gripping the sides of the toilet, clinging onto it as they threw up their flaws, hoping desperately that their soul wouldn't come out along with it.  
  
Flush. Eat. Flush. Flush. Flush.  
  
Taekwoon had been so close to do just the same as those he had seen flourish in the hands of the company (he had watched Heechul fight so many years to climb up so high it might have been possible to touch the clouds one moment, only to fall the next, and now he's no where to be found. And Taekwoon wonders, once in a while, if that's how they'll all end up like). Taekwoon's hands never have touched those toilet sides, though, because his turn was also the time Hakyeon arrived as his new makeup artist.  
  
"There's no need to do what they do." Hakyeon was all whispers and reassuring grips around Taekwoon's hand. He'd painted Taekwoon's face, tucking away flaws under the bed only for the day, so that Taekwoon could take them all out again when he was alone, because humans  _aren't_  really humans without flaws, after all. He prevented Taekwoon to flush it all down instead.  
  
Having Hakyeon as an anchor that held him back from spending time in the bathroom stalls between shoots and runways, had taught him to endure the jeans that sits so tight that they make it hard to breathe and leave marks for months to go, and force himself to swallow, swallow,  _swallow_  despite the need to spit it all out again.  
  
"Marks are beautiful," Hakyeon had said. "More beautiful than bones that juts out. Marks fade. They don't break you."  
  
Three years was what it took for Taekwoon to crawl out of it, because he never really fell in the first place. He'd just slipped, and held onto something (Hakyeon, for him, it'd been Hakyeon) for years before gaining enough strength to help himself up. By that time, he'd claimed first place in the industry, too.  
  
But while making sure Taekwoon wouldn't fall into pieces, Hakyeon had managed to break himself in progress.  
  
"I've had enough of seeing…" His lips had trembled. Taekwoon hadn't known what to do. "I've just had enough of everything in this world of fashion and that glamour of standing in front of the camera." He inhaled. "I'd describe it as suicide, in all honesty." Exhale. "And by applying makeup and fixing their hair, I feel like I'm helping them hide the pain. Like I'm helping them to…"  
  
Taekwoon understands.  
  
It's killing yourself. Clearly aware that you're drowning, that water will fill your lungs soon enough, but deciding to stop breathing even without trying to scream for help. It's addiction. It's a whole new kind of addiction, and while it's on a different level and nothing like football and the adrenaline that races through him when he scores a goal, it still gives him the same kind of feeling.  
  
"And that's why you're quitting?"  
  
"I love my job." Hakyeon had, indeed, expressed his passion for his job over the years. It'd been the most enthusiastic in the beginning, though, when his eyes would shine whenever he was finished with Taekwoon's makeup and hair. "But I'm leaving. I should've done it a long time ago."  
  
"So why didn’t you?"  
  
Hakyeon's eyes had soften. "You're still in that world, aren't you. How could I leave you? Lifelong friends, remember?"  
  
"But you're leaving now."  
  
"You don't want me to."  
  
It's not a question. Taekwoon isn't  _selfish_. He let go of Hakyeon's hand and proceeded to help with gathering his things to put in the cardboard box instead. "As long as you're happy," he says, and means it.

 

★ ★ ★

  
Wednesday begins with his phone beeping, and his screen is lit up with a LINE notification. It's barely seven in the morning, and he promises, he'll end Hongbin if it's him. It's not, though. An unfamiliar ID blinks. Half-sleeping, he opens the new chat cautiously. Cases like fans getting a hold of his number or IDs on KKT and LINE have happened. Not something he'd like to experience again, no matter how much he appreciates the people who supports him.  
  
It reads  _ken_  ♕ and Taekwoon frowns at the crown more than the unfamiliar name.  _hi! i got your id from hongbin_. It's a few seconds later, that a new messages pops up, before Taekwoon can figure out who this could be.  _i mean hongbin-seonbae._  
  
It almost makes him laugh out loud. He's reminded of half-moons and stars and a patient smile belonging to someone with an impatient voice.  
  
_Ken?_ , he writes back.  _I thought your name was Jaehwan_. Taekwoon rarely remembers names, so he's surprised to see himself typing it naturally. He doesn't linger his thoughts on it, and instead puts the phone down to get out of bed.  
  
"You can relax, but don't forget to exercise," Shinwoo manager had said on the phone the other day, and Taekwoon had snorted.  
  
It's not too sunny today, so he figures he can go jogging. There's nothing much to do, anyway, but he also needs to clean. He changes into exercising clothes and hears another beep of a new notification when he's all finished.  
  
_is it weird?? ceo-nim wanted me to have a stage name and i suggested this and hongbin said it was good._  Jaehwan is quick to add,  _hongbin-seonbae*._  Then, _actually im older than him so he told me not to call him seonbae?!!_  And then,  _i'm sorry if it's too early in the morning i got your id yesterday but it was too late so i didnt want to disturb you._  
  
He considers asking why Jaehwan's up at this time, but it hits him that obviously, as a newbie, he's got castings to go through and really, there's no time for sleep or even naps. Practice, casting, practice, casting. It'd been easy for Taekwoon to be picked out at castings because of his earlier commercials as a teen, but newbies that starts at this age tend to have a harder time.  
  
_im waiting for my time to get into casting, the line is huge!!! im quite nervous_ , Jaehwan tells, without being asked, and Taekwoon isn't quite sure if he should be bemused or annoyed at the sudden explosion of notifications and Jaehwan keeps on sending more and more. He settles with feeling both bemused and annoyed, because he doesn't even let Hakyeon message him this much, and leaves his phone at home when he goes out.  
  
He does, however, remember to send  _just relax and remember what i told you_  before leaving. He can't wait for this whole "coaching" thing to be over. He doesn’t want to deal with his phone blinking once every two seconds. Jaehwan's eyes sticking to his memories like gum is hard enough to remove.

★ ★ ★

  
But he can’t avoid Jaehwan, even when he disables the notifications for LINE (and really, Jaehwan doesn't know to  _stop_  even when Taekwoon offers no answer back except a few  _take it easy_  once in a while). They run into each other when Taekwoon drives to the company at Friday to meet up with Shinwoo manager. They need to discuss his schedule for July.  
  
"Seonbae!" It’s high-pitched and whiny. Taekwoon almost winces.  
  
Nothing's different about Jaehwan this time, except his hair is shorter, but not too short, and he's wearing jeans that sits just right on him instead of too loose. Lips curled up, eyes looking like crescents.  
  
It’s not with exaggeration and with utmost underestimation to say that Jaehwan's  _delighted_  to see Taekwoon. Like a kid who just got a whole box of cooling ice cream in the midst of a hot summer day.  
  
They're almost at the same height. And Jaehwan looks right into his eyes again, the nearer he comes, walking with long steps and that damned smile plastered over his lips. Taekwoon must be hungry. His stomach feels strange again, as if he'd just gotten off a roller-coaster. This is very annoying.  
  
"What are you doing here—" Jaehwan interrupts himself abruptly. "To work, right. Of course."  
  
Taekwoon would like to point out that Jaehwan has many of those unnecessary questions in his messages, but he starts walking ahead, and Jaehwan stumbles after, quietly. He turns to the younger man and asks, "Don't you have a schedule to go to?"  
  
"I don't! I just had lunch with Hongbin and Wonshik. Do you know Wonshik? He's a trainee in the group I was—" He interrupts himself. "Did you eat lunch, Taekwoon-seonbae?"  
  
"I did." Lies. "How…" He considers if he should ask. It is none of his business anyway. Or maybe it is. He is supposed to  _coach_  Jaehwan, after all. "How did your test shoots go?"  
  
It's the way Jaehwan lights up that makes Taekwoon regret asking immediately. "I was really nervous!" he tells, and clasps his hands together. "But it went well. The director told me I was a bit clumsy, though, but they all looked happy with it so I guess I did an okay job."  
  
"That's good. And your first castings?" The words slips out without him meaning to. "You don't need to—"  _Tell_. But Jaehwan looks like he’s been waiting to be asked.  
  
"Tiring, really." Jaehwan's hair is falling into his eyes, but he is too busy talking to really do something about it. Somehow, Taekwoon hand itches. "I got confirmed for a small corner in next month’s CéCi issue, though!"  
  
Jaehwan walks too close. Their shoulders keeps bumping into each other. Taekwoon quickens his pace. "That's good," Taekwoon repeats, quietly and is relieved when he reaches the hang-out room.  
  
"Are you going in there?"  
  
"Yes." It's impossible for Taekwoon to believe his eyes when Jaehwan's mouth curls down. The glint is back in his eyes immediately, though, seconds after. "I'll see you again, then." If Jaehwan's curious why he's got thirty-seven unanswered LINE messages, he doesn't ask. Taekwoon tries not to look at his back as he walks on.  
  
Minah and Sojin are in the hang-out room when he enters. Shinwoo messages him and says  _i'll be a little late!_  when Sojin offers him a warm smile and scoots over for him to sit on the couch.  
  
"Haven't seen you in weeks, Taekwoon-oppa," Minah says, sipping on her ice tea while texting someone on the phone. Then she looks up with a smug smile as her eyes wanders left and right, from Sojin to him. Minah's nice. A very nice girl with a powerful voice. But Taekwoon would rather not have this kind of conversation right now. "Except, for the many times I've looked at the Dispatch photos of you both."  
  
"Minah," Sojin says, looking calm, but her tone is firm. "I told you it's not like that."  
  
Minah shrugs, and puts her focus on whoever she's texting with again. "Only because you don't make it  _like that_."  
  
Sojin sighs, then leans into him, naturally. He can't make himself move away, but he doesn't lean in, either. They stay like that, Sojin humming an unfamiliar tune that Taekwoon assumes is a new song from their upcoming album for a while.  
  
"When's your comeback?"  
  
She breaks into a grin, and Taekwoon won't ever deny that she's beautiful. But he's unable to push feelings to grow. She's mature enough to understand, so they haven't mentioned it ever since that time in Fall, a year ago, when they'd been alone after one of those events and she'd told him she liked him.  
  
"In two weeks," she says. "Saturday, on Music Core." Then she looks at him hesitantly. "Do you want to come watch us?"  
  
"Why are you asking?" Minah chimes in, giggling. "Just tell him you want him to be there."  
  
Sojin opens her mouth, cheeks colouring, only to close it again.  
  
"Do you… want me to?" At the corner of his eye, he sees Minah rolling hers. He finds this moment to scoot away. She doesn't say anything, if she noticed. "I mean, I'll be there. Definitely."  
  
He must have a headache because of the warm weather, because when she smiles, eyes crunching up, all he sees are half-moons and twinkling stars and it's definitely not because of her.

★ ★ ★

  
"What exactly is it, that you're teaching Jaehwan about?" Hongbin asks over dinner that night, shoving pieces of meat in his mouth and some rice. Myungsoo stabs at his piece of ribeye, but doesn't have a taste. If he keeps that up, it'll soon look inedible. "You know, I took a look at his LINE today because he kept on opening it and it seems you don't even answer him. That broke my heart. Jaehwan's too nice to have you reject him hundred times a day."  
  
Hongbin makes a dramatic gesture, pretending to wipe off tears. “There’s nothing for me or you to teach. He’s got a manager now, who’ll help him. And I don't  _reject_ him," Taekwoon corrects. That word doesn't fit in here. He brings the glass of orange juice to his mouth and takes a sip. "I don't usually answer, anyway."  
  
Myungsoo agrees on that one. "Hakyeon-hyung complained all the time. Back then."  
  
"He sends me at least ten messages a day. It’s annoying."  
  
Unnecessary messages.  _Did you eat?_.  _Did you sleep well?_.  _Seonbae, I got picked at two castings today!_. They're not even close, if friends at all.  
  
"He’s cute. Maybe he's just lonely and as you were the first one out of all us who even spoke to him, he's taking it as if he can depend on you, Taekwoon-hyung. It's okay if you feel burdened, though," Hongbin says cheerfully. "Because I can guide him, instead. More than willing to, actually. He's ten times more funnier than both of you together. And Sanghyuk is a brat to me."  
  
"How is Sanghyuk?" Taekwoon saw a glimpse of him a few hours ago when he was on his way out of the company with Shinwoo manager. "Is he all right?"  
  
"All right enough to move around. We’re flying to Jeju for the shoot tomorrow and he said he’s going to tag along anyway," says Myungsoo. "He'll heal, slowly. Don't worry too much, I check up on him regularly."  
  
Hongbin glances up from his food, but stays silent. Myungsoo, of them all, should know the best. "Eat up," Taekwoon says, glaring, and Myungsoo mutters something under his breath before obediently shoving a small piece in his mouth. It takes him one thousand years to chew, and another five years to swallow. But he eats, and Taekwoon thinks that Hakyeon would’ve been proud if he’d been here.

 

★ ★ ★

  
It's out of habit that Taekwoon checks LINE before bed, but it's out of the ordinary when he sees none of Jaehwan's usual too cheerful messages complaining about not getting sleep or enough food to eat and—  
  
He goes out of the chat and decides that this is something to be glad for.

 

★ ★ ★

 

Hakyeon takes about two hours to decide on which air conditioner to buy, and Taekwoon's legs start to ache more than when he has a standing shoot. "They're all the same anyway," he says, pushing the cart, with a few other things in as they walk by the air conditioners for the third time.  
  
"Money," Hakyeon says. "It has to be worth the money. The air conditioner that broke was only two months old and it costed me a lot!"  
  
"I'll buy it for you," Taekwoon says. "For my own benefit, of course. Or my feet, to be more exact." Hakyeon doesn't believe him.  
  
He finally decides on one, not too expensive and not really cheap either, but has pretty good reviews. "Let's go grocery shopping," Hakyeon suggests, when they're in the car. "I'll cook you something."  
  
"More like  _I'll_  cook  _you_  something," Taekwoon corrects, but smiles.  
  
"I've been improving my cooking skills over these pasts months, excuse you, Jung."  
  
"I guess I'll have to try, then."  
  
"It's been a while since I last took a day off." Hakyeon leans against the window. "Thanks for offering to drive me to buy the air conditioner today, buddy."  
  
"You're lame."  
  
"You love me."  
  
Taekwoon does not answer, but instead pulls up outside a supermarket. "I'll wait in the car."  
  
"How can you waste such precious time together with me?" Hakyeon huffs. "I'll be right back, then."  
  
And by right back, he means one and a half hour later, struggling with three heavy grocery bags and Taekwoon's had time to fall asleep, too. "Why did you buy so much?" he asks, rubbing his eyes. Hakyeon puts everything in the backseat then climbs into the passenger seat and fastens his seatbelt.  
  
"Boxes of chocolate puddings for the kids." Taekwoon assumes, that the 'kids', are Chanyeol and Jongdae. "Some ingredients for kimchi-jjigae, and then things for the smoothie shop, too. I thought I'd do it now that I have the chance."  
  
“It’s not even like you don’t have a car,” Taekwoon points out.  
  
“I just don’t want to leave the kids at the shop. They’re… well, let’s say I’m afraid I’ll hear news about it burning down or something.”  
  
"You can always call me when you need to buy stuff, you know. I’ll buy it for you."  
  
Hakyeon smiles and reaches out to put his hand on Taekwoon's, patting. "I know. But you're busy enough, and I can manage. Also, when Ryeowook-hyung comes back from his vacation, he'll help me."  
  
"Okay." Taekwoon doesn't argue further.  
  
When they're at Hakyeon's apartment, he makes Taekwoon sit down to wait for the food. "I don't  _need_  your help, please," he says, and turns the television for Taekwoon to watch as if he's a kid. "Oh, I forgot." He disappears to the kitchen for a moment and comes back with a magazine.  
  
"I saw this earlier when I was at the supermarket." He gives Taekwoon the magazine and the first thing Taekwoon recognises is the eyes, and a smile — it's Jaehwan. Then Kyungri in a wedding dress, next to him. Behind them is the Taipei scenery. "New model, Hongbin said."  
  
"Yeah. Why'd you even buy this?"  
  
"Kyungri makes my heart flutter," Hakyeon sings, and laughs. Taekwoon knows it's not a joke. "You know I like to collect magazines with my friend's faces on. Something to brag about, y'know."  
  
Taekwoon isn't concentrating on that, though. He flips through the pages and stops only when he sees Jaehwan's face again. It's a good shoot. (It also, maybe, explains the lack of notifications from LINE). It’s when Hakyeon has disappeared to prepare dinner that Taekwoon reaches for his phone and opens up his chatbox with Jaehwan, types in  _good job on the shoot_  and pushes send before he can regret.  
  
Dinner is finished without Hakyeon burning anything and even if the kimchi-jjigae tastes a bit bland, Taekwoon doesn't say anything. He praises Hakyeon who shines of a proud smile. He’s tasted worse, three years ago, when he got the flu and Hakyeon tried to make chicken soup.  
  
"Me and the kids thought of having dinner with Ryeowook-hyung when he comes back," Hakyeon says, later, when Taekwoon puts on his shoes to go home. "I'll tell you a few days in advance, and you can see if you're free?"  
  
"Sure," he says, and Hakyeon pulls him in for a tight hug. Taekwoon has long ago learned to control his heart. It's easier, too, when he's no longer hoping for anything.

★ ★ ★

  
His phone beeps when he’s in the car and about to start the engine. He’s already certain about who it is before he even opens his phone.  
  
Two new messages from  _ken_  ♕.  
  
_whoa thank you seonbaenim!!!!!! since it's late now, sleep well >___<_  
  
It's still annoying, how he puts more exclamation marks than necessary and adds emoticons like he's still twelve. But Hongbin's voice echoes in his mind ( _Jaehwan might be lonely_ , he'd said and Taekwoon might have felt a little bit of guilt) and Taekwoon writes back a simple 'Goodnight'.

★ ★ ★

  
Having three older sisters has had its ups and downs. Being the youngest of them all has allowed them to spoil him, and he's been able to grow up in affection. They'd played with him when no one else wanted to, because even back then, he'd had a hard time making friends.  
  
He doesn't have a bad relationship with his sisters, but it isn't until he gets a call from his oldest sister that it hits him; he hasn't contacted them in a while. A long while. (A year and three months — he remembers attending his youngest sister's wedding and that had been the last time he saw or talked to any of them.)  
  
"Sometimes I see you on television or magazines and I forget that it's  _my_  brother," she sighs into the phone and he hears a kid crying in the distant. It's probably Seojun, with his cute, small hands and feet and chubby cheeks. Taekwoon wonders how much he's grown. "Are you really that busy, Taekwonnie?"  
  
He puts the book he's been reading down, putting his thumb there as a bookmark. "I'm sorry."  
  
"As long as you still call mum and dad," she says. "Which you do, right?"  
  
"Yes." It's not fully a lie, because he  _does_  call them. Just not as often as he should. "Of course."  
  
"Did mum tell you about grandma's birthday?"  
  
"She did." Only, he'd forgotten about it in the midst of busy schedules and… sparkly eyes curling up into a lovely smile. Right. "I was going to check with my manager. I'll book out that week to stay with our parents, too."  
  
"How about you? Doing okay?"  
  
"I am. It's a bit hectic right now, but it's been worse."  
  
He hears how she picks Seojun up, the whining getting louder. "Well, that's all I needed to know." Pause, except for Seojun still shrieking. "Tell me you didn't miss your appointment with the doctor about your foot again."  
  
He knew they'd get here. Out of every family member, his oldest sister is the only one that brings it up nowadays. She'd watched him fall into football, and she'd watched him forcing himself to let go of it. He licks his lips. "I'm fine, noona."  
  
There's nothing to check. After his surgery, the doctor had said that everything was fine, that he was going to be able to walk properly again after he's taken the few weeks of physical therapy. Except, the doctor had also suggested that he give up on becoming a professional football player.  
  
_One more mistake and not even physical therapy will be able to help you to run again_.  
  
He'd said no to intense physical therapy and he'd ripped down every poster of famous players on his wall, put it all in a cardboard box and he's never pulled it out under his bed again, just like he's forced himself to never look back and regret. He isn't even sure if the box is still there or if his mother has thrown it all away when he moved.  
  
"You should still check it," she says, strictly, the same voice she uses on Seojun sometimes when he refuses to eat. It's still hard for him to imagine her as a mother. "You know mum wants you to, too."  
  
"She also thinks I chose modelling over football because of her and that I'm unhappy because of it now." He bites his lip. "And that's not true."  
  
"But you miss it. Football, I mean."  
  
"I do. But I'm not unhappy." Although, he might not be the happiest, either. But he's just fine.  
  
"It's not even that, Taekwoon, it's that you won't even watch matches with dad anymore when you're visiting, and you don't even dare to  _run_  again. That makes me worried. You lost what you liked the most, and I hate to see you being too much of a coward to try to get it back. I don't know what you're  _fearing_."  
  
Taekwoon fears a lot of things, honestly. Running is one of them. He clenches his fist. "I just wish she would stop blaming herself. If I didn't have modelling at that time… I… I would still not have made another choice. This was the best for me."  
  
She is quiet, for a while. Seojun is gurgling and screaming at the same time, and it's strange, how it makes Taekwoon unclench his fist, and calm. "If that's what you say, then I'll stop." Then, as if they'd never discussed it, she goes on and on about Seojun and how he has started showing interest in standing instead of crawling nowadays. "Take care, Taekwoon, and call your other sisters when you have time."  
  
When they end the call, Taekwoon remembers to leave a message for Shinwoo manager about booking out on Thursday (for Sojin and Minah's comeback) and then the first week of August. He gets an 'OK' back almost immediately. Attached to it, is also a photo, though, and it looks like his schedule that Shinwoo manager showed him a few days ago.  
  
He scrolls through it and sees no changes, until his eyes lands on  _CéCi shoot with Ken_. It takes him a few seconds to register that, and another message arrives.  
  
_new changed schedule. we got in a casting call today and the ceo personally said we'd do it. Ken got confirmed for their august issue so they made a deal that they'd give him two pages for himself if you agreed to covering it. also have one or two joint shoots with him._  
  
He thinks of the way Jaehwan had walked too close last time they saw each other, how their shoulders had bumped together and he'd felt that weird feeling of electricity racing out to the tips to his fingers and toes. It's here again, but he convinces himself that it's nothing.

★ ★ ★

  
"So. CéCi now, Milan for the Camo's fall and winter collection, then fashion show in Stockholm." They enter the studio for the shoot, and staff greet them. Taekwoon bows, and greets back. He shakes hands with the photographer, before he's shown inside the dressing room to change for the first shoot by one of the makeup assistants. "That's all for this month."  
  
"I've memorised it all, thanks to the many times you've been going on and on about it," Taekwoon says and gives Shinwoo manager a tiny smile. "Don't worry."  
  
"There's many flights this back and forth this summer."  
  
Jaehwan is already there, having his hair fixed, with eyes on his phone when they enter. "I don't mind," Taekwoon says to Shinwoo manager, and by the sound of his voice, Jaehwan's head shoots up immediately. It's almost adorable. Taekwoon clears his throat, and Jaehwan beams at him even as he's getting scolded for moving and ruining the hair. "You're here early."  
  
"I had my individual shoot first," explains Jaehwan, eyes following Taekwoon when he sits down next to him to get his makeup done. "How are you, seonbae?" He looks like he'd like to lean forward to look closer at Taekwoon's face or something, but he can't because it's impossible to move right now.  
  
"Hyung," is what falls out of Taekwoon's mouth and he blinks, surprised at himself. The suffix  _has_  been bothering him for a while now, though. Jaehwan's eyes grow wide. "Hyung is fine."  
  
"Oh." Jaehwan's lips are moving slowly, as if he's trying to test it before saying out loud, "Taekwoon-hyung." He says it awkwardly but not unsure, almost as if he's practiced saying it. Taekwoon wouldn't be surprised. But then Jaehwan smiles softly to himself, and Taekwoon feels something crawl in his chest. "How are you, hyung?"  
  
Conversations with Jaehwan are easy, unnecessary, but Taekwoon realises somewhere in the midst of considering to not answer or answer, that these are… the kind of talks that people have. There are stages, from being a stranger to a friend, and honestly, Taekwoon hasn't had those kind of talks in forever.  
  
With Hakyeon, he'd naturally grown used to the silence hanging in between them, because Hakyeon had been too busy running his fingers through Taekwoon's hair or applying makeup, and Taekwoon had been too busy studying every detail in Hakyeon's face. With Jaehwan, it's different; there are words exchanged, and Jaehwan keeps asking as if he has a pool of questions he must have Taekwoon answer. He doubts he's even had it with Hongbin or Myungsoo for that matter.  
  
The concept is quite different from what Taekwoon's worked with the past few years. It's the first time in a very long time he doesn't have eyeliner outlining his eyes, and his hair is also naturally styled, without much gel. When they're changed into the clothes picked out for them, Jaehwan is in white shorts and short-sleeved plaid shirt, and Taekwoon is in dark denims jeans with a LONDON BOY t-shirt that hugs his skin, Jaehwan starts giggling. Taekwoon is at absolute disbelief. He actually _giggles_.  
  
"What are you laughing at?" Taekwoon deadpans. Of course he wouldn't use 'giggling'. It would've sounded really, really stupid. They're in their twenties for god's sake. Jaehwan makes him feel like he's fifteen and standing in front of a giggling Lu Han when he's talking with his crush, because really, last time he's heard someone that is not Kyungri or Minah make that kind of sound, was when he was fifteen.  
  
Jaehwan bites his lower lip to stop himself. "You look cute."  
  
"Call me cute again and I—"  
  
Bursting out into more laughter (and probably already ruining his hair as he's throwing his head back as he does so) and dodging Taekwoon's punch, he runs out of the room and into the studio, leaving Taekwoon all alone. He lets his hand fall to his side again and decides that Jaehwan is ridiculous, and makes Taekwoon feel ridiculous, and makes  _Taekwoon_  ridiculous, too.  
  
"We're starting then," the photographer says, and Taekwoon recognises him. He's had him for all his shoots with CéCi, and he's a pretty talented photographer. Very good in what he does, very strict, and a pain in the ass sometimes, too.  
  
He glances to Jaehwan, who is breathing in and smoothing out his shirt, nervousness shown all over his face. Taekwoon is reminded that this is only his second professional shoot, after all, and hesitates a few seconds before he leans in, not too close, but close enough to say in a pitched voice, "They're very precise about your poses here."  
  
Startled, Jaehwan flinches and looks up. "What?"  
  
"I'm telling you to be creative, but not too creative with your poses. Your expressions, too. Don't overdo it, but don't look expressionless, either." Taekwoon takes a few steps away from Jaehwan. He might be a top model, but he hadn't gone here without being critisized. "They're strict down to the direction that you're facing. The photographer knows exactly how he wants his photos to look like."  
  
"Thanks, hyung," Jaehwan whispers back, and Taekwoon notices that he stops smoothing out his shirt.  
  
And it's hard, to concentrate, when Jaehwan leans too close sometimes, hand pressed against Taekwoon's back, breath tickling his ear. He grabs and pulls at Taekwoon's arm playfully, being obnoxiously touchy and loud between breaks. But the photographer praises them (him, mostly him, because his eyes sparkles and _It's been a long time since I last saw it_  is what he says and Taekwoon looks away), saying that he loves the natural feeling. Taekwoon isn't so sure.  
  
It's only when they're walking into the dressing room and Jaehwan's at least five metres away from him, that he realises he's been holding his breath.

★ ★ ★

  
After the shoot, Jaehwan suggests that they get coffee together. "I heard that you like coffee," he says. Jaehwan puts on a white blazer upon black shirt, and Taekwoon frowns. It's almost twenty-five celsius today. When he sees Taekwoon's gaze on him, his cheeks colours as if he's embarrassed that he knew something like that. He adds quickly, "Hongbin told me."  
  
Then he reaches up to scratch the back of his ear and Taekwoon finds that he can't reject him (but it's just like he can't say no to Hongbin when he comes around and whines to have dinner or lunch or whatever together). He does like coffee anyway.  
  
"What would you like to have, seon—" Jaehwan stops midway, blinks. "Hyung," he corrects himself. "I meant, hyung."  
  
They order iced latte for both, and Taekwoon takes out his card to offer to pay. Jaehwan finds a spot near the window and sits down with their drinks first.  
  
"What do you usually do in your free time?" he asks, sipping on his drink, and there he goes again, looking far more interested than he should, as if Taekwoon's answer meant something important.  
  
Taekwoon swallows. "Nothing much." He reaches for his own plastic cup. "I usually get dragged out to eat with Hongbin and Myungsoo." He doesn't mention Sojin or Hakyeon or the smoothie shop where he actually spends most of his time at, and he doesn't know why. "You?"  
  
"I visit the practice rooms a lot," replies Jaehwan. He looks out. His knees bumps gently against Taekwoon's. He sits up properly immediately, even if Taekwoon shows no reaction. "My trainee friends are all there. It feels weird to know I won't debut with them…It also feels weird to call myself a model."  
  
There's a familiar longing in Jaehwan's expression when he talks, that Taekwoon recognises. "It must have been strange."  
  
"Mostly lonely." Their knees bumps together again, and this time, neither of them move. Taekwoon isn't sure why he doesn't. "But that too. It's pretty strange right now, drinking coffee with Jung Taekwoon-seonbaenim."  
  
And Taekwoon doesn't know what to say. He usually doesn't, though, and Jaehwan doesn't seem to mind the lack of replies. It's when he's suddenly too aware of the warmth from Jaehwan's knee pressed against his, that he removes his leg.  
  
There's mischief in Jaehwan's grin, when he suddenly breaks the silence. "But hyung, you must really suck at answering messages, huh?" Followed by a loud laugh, and Taekwoon wants to hide when he feels heads turning in their direction. He doesn't hesitate to kick the small of Jaehwan's leg, and the younger male winces in pain.  
  
"If I don't find it important, I usually don't reply to messages. It's not just you." He also isn't sure why he needs to assure Jaehwan of that.  
  
He gulps down the last of his drink but apparently, Jaehwan doesn't have plans to get moving yet. He's still full of questions even when Taekwoon answers less than half of them, finishing his sentences quick and curt. Jaehwan listens and takes everything in like he's heard the most interesting thing ever and Taekwoon's just doesn't  _understand_.  
  
He doesn't realise that their knees are pressed against each other again and Jaehwan's eyes won't stop twinkling.  
  
(It's only the sunlight, though, Taekwoon convinces himself.)

★ ★ ★

  
There are a pair of unfamiliar shoes in the hallway when Taekwoon arrives at home, and he doesn't have the time to panic before an old, hoarse voice calls out, "Son?"  
  
His eyes widens when he hears footsteps coming from the kitchen, and then his father is standing in front of him. His forehead has more wrinkles than before and his eyes are squinting. "Dad," he says, blinking. "When did you arrive?" Frowning, he puts the bag of groceries down and steps out of his shoes.  
  
"Just now, just now," assures his father, and smiles up to Taekwoon. He picks up the bag again and they head to the kitchen. His father goes through the things with him to put in the fridge. "Look at all these vegetables," he laughs, and it manages to make Taekwoon smile. "As a kid you only wanted to eat hamburger and pizza and ramen."  
  
Taekwoon makes tea for his father, and they sit down by the kitchen table. It's starting to get dark. He'd stayed longer at the café than he thought and Jaehwan's laughter still rings in his ears until now. He finds that he doesn't dislike it as much right now (he wonders if he ever did it in the first place).  
  
"I was nearby, visiting an old friend in the hospital," his father says, closing his eyes to enjoy the flavour of the tea, and Taekwoon smiles more. He's always been a bit more closer to his father than anyone else in the family, with their usual fishing outings together and times spent watching football matches with their dinner on the couch (the only times his mother would allow that kind of behaviour). "I thought I'd come by and see how you were doing. You weren't at home so it was a relief you still had the same password."  
  
"I already booked out the first week of August to spend it at home," says Taekwoon. He tears open the package of cookies on the table and gives his father one while he lets his hand hover over another for a few seconds before he picks one up for himself. It tastes sweet and melts in his mouth. He'd always liked sweets when he was younger. "Also please tell me beforehand if you visit. What if I'd been abroad? I'd worry."  
  
His father waves it off. "It's nice to see that you're not closing yourself in the apartment on such a nice day, and actually go out to do something."  
  
"I'm twenty-five, soon, dad," he says. Around his father, he can't help but feel like he's ten, though. "I'm over that period. I have friends."  
  
The words that falls out of his mouth makes him wonder. There's Hakyeon, Hongbin, Myungsoo and Sojin. Maybe Chanyeol counts too. Taekwoon takes another bite of the cookie. He hadn't been out with a friend today, though. He doesn't know what Jaehwan is. An acquaintance, maybe?  
  
"I better get going, or else your mother will start worrying again."  
  
Taekwoon puts the cup in the sink and walks his father out to the car. "Tell mum I miss her."  
  
"She misses you, too," his father says, patting Taekwoon on the shoulder.  
  
"Drive safely."  
  
He doesn't walk inside until he sees the car disappears into a dot.

★ ★ ★

  
Thursday is rather chilly, and Taekwoon takes out the red scarf he got from Hakyeon as a Christmas present last year. The sun is warm on his face, but the wind makes him regret that he didn't bring a coat with him but he reaches his car soon enough and hurries inside. It had rained yesterday, and Taekwoon had spent the whole day at home, listening to old CDs, and reading, then spent two hours exercising at night.  
  
His phone beeps, and he takes it up when the light is red, to read. It's from Jaehwan. He has enabled notifications for LINE. In case something important would happen, and people wouldn't be able to reach him there, and nothing that has with Jaehwan's messages to do.  
  
_hyung, are you free rn?_  
  
He is, but not really. Sojin and Minah's comeback stage starts in an hour. He has to get to MBC before that. Yet, he types in,  _Yes_.  
  
_i'm bored!! no more schedules for july currently and i don't have castings to go to either_.  
  
Taekwoon stares at his screen and licks his upper lip, thinking. He replies,  _Actually I'm on my way to see Sojin and Minah's comeback._  Green light blinks and he starts the engine. There's still no answer, though, and he'll maybe regret it but he writes:  _Do you want to come along? I'll pick you up_.

★ ★ ★

  
Jaehwan's waiting outside the company, dressed in a thick red-black sweater, and a smile when Taekwoon pulls up next to him.  
  
"Hyung!" he exclaims, a rare frown forming on his forehead. "It’s so cold today, why are you only wearing a thin shirt without a coat or something," he says, climbing inside the passenger seat, and wraps arms around himself. Taekwoon ignores his remark and turns on the heater.  
  
Jaehwan starts, without permission, to fiddle with the stuff in his car, turning on the radio and looking through CDs. "Nell, Park Hyoshin… you've got a good taste."  
  
"Is that supposed to be sarcastic or?" He turns to the left, and is extremely distracted by Jaehwan's laughter.  
  
"No, I was telling the truth." He stops the radio and puts in a Park Hyoshin CD.  
  
"Hongbin is his biggest fan," Taekwoon says, and Jaehwan hums an  _I know_. "What do you usually listen to?"  
  
"I like this?" he says, leaning back and closing his eyes. "I listen to Bastille, too. British band." A grin. "I like boy and girl groups, too."  
  
Taekwoon forgets, all the time, that Jaehwan must be able to sing. He was supposed to be a main vocalist, after all. He thinks he'd like to hear Jaehwan sing one day, but he says nothing. "We're here."  
  
It's busy inside the studio, and he catches a small glimpse of Sojin before she's running left and right again. They're number third in the performing list. Taekwoon glances to Jaehwan and there's something in the way he looks around, his eyes so curious, and also sad, that makes Taekwoon want to— he doesn't know exactly what he wants to do. Instead, he tugs at the sleeves of Jaehwan's sweater. Jaehwan meets his eyes and it's like he knows what Taekwoon is thinking about, so he only offers a small smile. Not the typical Jaehwan-smile, but it's enough.  
  
They don't talk, while watching the performances, and go backstage when Sojin and Minah are all finished. Sojin lights up upon seeing him, and then her eyes lands on Jaehwan. "It's Lee Ken, right?" she asks, shaking his hand, and then goes to Taekwoon's side. "Did Taekwoon take a good care of you like he was supposed to do?"  
  
Jaehwan's gaze flickers curiously between Sojin and Taekwoon, and unlike when he's only with Taekwoon, he seems to have a hard time talking right now. "I… yes, he did. He's great."  
  
Sojin laughs, standing close and hand on Taekwoon’s shoulder and Minah pulls some joke, but Taekwoon is focused on the way Jaehwan stands with his eyes downcast the entire time.  
  
Later, when the girls are going to change, Taekwoon taps Jaehwan on the shoulder. "Are you okay?"  
  
Looking up, and not missing a beat, he breaks into a wide grin and nods. "Of course! I'm just a bit tired." Taekwoon is almost convinced.  
  
"I'm hungry," Minah says, flipping her hair back when they come back. "Let's have dinner together?"  
  
"Do you mind?" Taekwoon says, quieter than he should. Like he doesn't want anyone to hear their conversation.  
  
"No," is what he says, but his eyes are burning holes in the ground.  
  
In the restaurant, he takes the seat next to Taekwoon. It's difficult to focus on what Sojin has to say when Jaehwan, even if he's quieter than he's ever been, sits too close, arm pressing against Taekwoon's.  
  
"I'm thinking of traveling to New York when it's Christmas," Sojin says, and her gaze lands on Taekwoon. He feels Jaehwan shifting. "Minah has plans for a solo album then, and Kyungri's going home." She tilts her head. "Do you want to accompany me?"  
  
"I have to see my schedule first," he replies, and Jaehwan looks down at his food. "I'll let you know." He doesn't mention that maybe he has to go home for the holidays. He probably should. His parents and sisters would like that.  
  
She runs her neon-pink painted nails through her hair and smiles. "Great."  
  
After dinner, he drops the girls off at their dorm first. Jaehwan reads his address for Taekwoon when asked, and returns to leaning against the window.  
  
"Seeing something interesting?" Taekwoon says. Somehow, he's not used to the silence. Jaehwan's never been really  _quiet_  before.  
  
"What?" Jaehwan tears his gaze away from the window and turns to look at him instead. He stares, then asks, "How long have you... been dating Sojin-noona?"  
  
"We're not dating," he says, quietly. His grip around the wheel tightens. He almost expects Jaehwan to say  _but that's what the magazines say_ , but he doesn't.  
  
Instead, he sits up properly and bites down his lower lip as if to prevent something, like a smile. "I see."  
  
It's late. He should quickly get Jaehwan home to rest. "Are you still tired? We'll be at your house soon."  
  
Jaehwan looks like he doesn't have a clue about what Taekwoon's talking about, though. "Me? Tired? I'm not!"  
  
"But you said—"  
  
"Aren't you craving something sweet?" he asks, tapping a finger to his cheek and narrows his eyes, like he is deep in thoughts. "Manager hasn't let me had even one sweet thing to eat this whole month."  
  
Taekwoon ponders about it. "Do you mind smoothies?" he says, glancing to Jaehwan who nods eagerly.  
  
He makes a U-turn and drives towards Hakyeon's smoothie shop instead. It's not crowded today, only a few teenagers gathered by the window, and Taekwoon's surprised to see Jongdae cleaning the other tables. He barely meets Jongdae, because he mostly works morning shifts.  
  
"Looking fancy as always, Mr. Supermodel," Jongdae whistles when he finally looks up to see them approaching. His eyes lands on Jaehwan. "Finally made yourself a new friend, I see. I'm proud."  
  
"I think you're asking for death, talking like that to Taekwoon-hyung," Chanyeol shouts from the kitchen.  
  
Jongdae shouts back, "No, because obviously he likes me more than you." Despite saying that, he waves quickly at them before escaping to the kitchen and Chanyeol snorts loudly.  
  
"Your friends are amusing," Jaehwan laughs. They slide onto two stools. " _Starlight_  smoothie shop. Is this like, the kind of favourite place you don't show just everyone?"  
  
He shrugs. "Not really." But maybe it is. Hongbin and Myungsoo only knows of it because they know Hakyeon. That's not worth mentioning.  
  
"Ah. I'm disappointed." Jaehwan's smiling, though, and his eyes sparkles. This time there's nothing like sunlight Taekwoon can blame on. He turns his gaze elsewhere and lands on Hakyeon walking out of from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a towel.  
  
"So the friend that you brought is Ken?"  
  
"You know me?" Jaehwan asks, tilting his head with big eyes. "I mean, I have been in like one shoot."  
  
"That is out," Taekwoon reminds. "We did a shoot for CéCi today."  
  
"I am your biggest fan, Ken," Hakyeon says with a smile, as a couple with a child walks through the door. He grabs two menus and a lollipop for the kid to bring to their table. "I even have the magazine with you and Kyungri's wedding shoot."  
  
"Which," Taekwoon interrupts, "means he's actually  _Kyungri's_  biggest fan and probably so jealous of you right now he could cry."  
  
Hakyeon half-pretends to look offended, only to pull a face at Taekwoon seconds after. "What would you like, Ken?" He takes up a box of red apples to rinse. "Milkshake? Smoothie? Ice cream? We have everything. I could even make you a combination of all three."  
  
"That sounds like heaven. But I'll only allow myself a berry smoothie today." Jaehwan sighs and slides a hand over his stomach. "And please call me Jaehwan only." He brushes away hair from his eyes and grins cheekily. "I'm not really used to Ken."  
  
"At least you're allowing yourself something, Jaehwan-ssi." Hakyeon is still smiling, very, very fondly at Jaehwan. Taekwoon can sense the  _I like the guy_  through Hakyeon's eyes, and he bites down his own smile that appears so sudden he doesn't even have a chance to register the upward pull of his mouth. "Don't let that change, and I'll give you free smoothies whenever you come here."  
  
Jaehwan totally lights up at that.  
  
"That's unfair," Jongdae chimes in when he comes out from the staff-room, now changed out of work clothes, and hops on the stool next to Jaehwan. "Even Chanyeol and I have to pay for it."  
  
"I know right. I thought I was Hakyeon-hyung's favourite," Chanyeol sobs. After taking orders from new customers, he slides up next to Hakyeon to help. They stand close and Chanyeol's hand is on Hakyeon's back as he watches Hakyeon peel a papaya. Taekwoon waits for the uncomfortable feeling to grow in his stomach, but it doesn't appear this time, and Jaehwan is staring at him again.  
  
_What?_  he mouths, and Jaehwan shakes his head.  
  
"You were spacing out," he leans in to whisper, breath warm and tickling. Then he's turning to Jongdae to start up a conversation, and they soon find out the mutual interest that is singing and Chanyeol and Hakyeon are still busy making smoothies to put notice to anything. Taekwoon finds he doesn't mind this, at all.  
  
"When are you free for dinner?" Hakyeon is looking at calendar as he states the question. "Ryeowook-hyung is coming home next week."  
  
"I don't think I'll be available the upcoming two weeks."  
  
"You won't be in Seoul?" Jaehwan asks, reaching out to let his fingers brush against Taekwoon's arm briefly. Then drops it to the side. "Busy schedule?"  
  
He nods. There's Milan and Stockholm starting from Saturday without time to go back to Seoul. After coming home, though, he's spending a week at home. He isn't sure what he's supposed to do when he is finally home after so long, but he'll figure that out when he's there.  
  
"Okay, then I know," Hakyeon says, scribbling down things. "I'll schedule the dinner somewhere at the beginning of September, then. We probably won’t have time in the middle of August."  
  
"Or you could just go without me. It's not a big deal."  
  
Hakyeon is too busy running out with two smoothies for table five, and Taekwoon doesn't repeat himself when he comes back.  
  
When he notices how Jaehwan try to push back a yawn, he stands up. "We should get going."  
  
It's even colder than before when they leave, letting Hakyeon clean up and close the shop. Taekwoon's struggling to wrap the red scarf around his neck, and Jaehwan steps in to help him, pulling him nearer by the shoulders. Taekwoon should pull away. He usually doesn't even let Hakyeon do this. He doesn't.  
  
"You're trembling," he says, clearing this throat, when Jaehwan's finished.  
  
"It's summer, it's not supposed to be this cold." Jaehwan's stuttering, arms around himself. Taekwoon is already walking to the car. "Shouldn't we wait for the others?"  
  
"You're  _freezing_." He doesn't think when he reaches out to pull Jaehwan with him. "It'll take at least twenty minutes for them to be finished, and I don't want your manager to complain if you catch a cold."  
  
"Such a caring hyung," Jaehwan coos, and Taekwoon feels a jolt in his stomach. He ignores it. "Hongbin told me that, too."  
  
"You hang out too much with Hongbin," he says, putting on his seatbelt, and Jaehwan does the same.  
  
"Not anymore," says Jaehwan, and Taekwoon doesn't know what he means, but his voice is trembling. Taekwoon turns up the heater and forces his gaze to focus on the road.

★ ★ ★

  
He opens his phone to five new notifications from LINE, next day. If he hadn’t found Jaehwan’s messages so annoying, he would’ve probably looked at this as something to look forward to every morning.  
  
_thank you for letting me come along yesterday!!!! >_____< meeting sojin noona and minah and your friends was great!!!_  
  
_i fell asleep as soon as i came back but still woke up too late and arrived to work late........ my manager got mad hihi what do i do_  
  
_im glad the weather is warm again :D it was so cold yesterday D:_  
  
_are you even awake hyung_  
  
_have a nice day hyung~_  
  
He's all alone this time, and doesn't find it very necessary to stop the smile from forming on his lips when he puts the phone in the back pocket of his pants, and proceeds to pour himself a glass of water in the kitchen. The weather is, like Jaehwan had said, better today. His phone beeps again, and a sixth message from Jaehwan arrives.  
  
_hyung like i know u suck at replying and all but good to know u still read my messages heh. anyway, have a safe flight! take lots of picture when you're in milan and buy me a birthday present or something hehehehe ♥_  
  
Taekwoon might or might not have choked on the little heart at the end, and he decides that Jaehwan's dangerous. Ridiculous and dumb and dangerous, and growing closer than Taekwoon would like him to.

★ ★ ★

  
The first half of primary school is a blurry memory. He remembers switching seat-mates twice a month (and the teachers hadn't said out loud that the reason was because no one was very comfortable with him, but Taekwoon hadn't been stupid). He's always been a quiet kid, too, so that hadn't helped. When things like these happened, his sisters would cuddle up with him with candies and let him choose which cartoon to watch.  
  
Things were better when he met Baekhyun, in third grade. Byun Baekhyun was a nice kid, albeit a bit too loud and rude to the teachers and liked to pull at girls' hair or put out a leg to trip boys. At least, he hadn't stared at Taekwoon in fear or demanded to change seats. He became Taekwoon's first friend, and they had sleepovers and bought ice cream twice a day to eat in the summers.  
  
Baekhyun talks about girls, about Taeyeon in the school choir, and sighs over how he'll marry her when he grows up. There was no girl Taekwoon liked.  
  
He'd been too young to understand, but he knew he was in trouble when he felt his heart race faster than motorbikes whizzing by when Baekhyun would place his hand against his back or offered Taekwoon a taste of his ice cream, only to eat from Taekwoon's, too.  
  
Taekwoon lost Baekhyun and found football, when he was ten. He'd never had to say goodbye to anyone before, but Baekhyun moved so suddenly, too fast, and Taekwoon felt like he was back in the second grade's classroom again, feeling empty inside like a plastic bag filled with nothing but air.  
  
However that was also the time he stumbled across Lu Han, a new student from China, in the parallel class, and he, with his friend Yixing, had become the second ones to befriend Taekwoon.  
  
Finding the joys of running after a ball or shouting over the fields for it or passing it to Lu Han, but most of all, scoring a goal and knowing he's improving and heading towards somewhere, had been like when he learned to know that Baekhyun wouldn't mind being his friend, not at all. The same kind of happy feeling spreading in his chest, stretching to his fingertips.  
  
But also like Baekhyun, football didn't last long, either. Perhaps, a bit longer, but not long enough. Fifteen and he'd picked up modeling seriously, and somewhere between trying to keep up with school and his packed schedule, Lu Han and Yixing had both faded away. That's when he cannot trust that kind of happiness, shouldn't let people close if they're all going to end up disappearing. He plays it safe by not approaching, has played it safe ever since he decided to not pick up football again, because it'd hurt a little too much if he never lost it a second time.  
  
Modeling is safe. Modeling is something he needs, something he's good at, something he can hold onto if he wants to but not difficult to let go of. But what's not safe is half-moons, stars, patient smiles, high-pitched giggles, and a whiny laughter. It's all dangerous and Taekwoon is already sinking in the quicksand.

★ ★ ★

  
Two weeks roll away quicker than he thought. He'd finished his July schedule and hurried home. The first few days had been spent with his grandma, taking slow walks, and watching all her favourite movies from the old days. Wednesday and Thursday, he'd gone out fishing with his father, and there had been no conversations in between but he'd gone home feeling relaxed.  
  
It's already Saturday now, and he's heading back to Seoul tomorrow. His mother is making breakfast, and Taekwoon hears a page turn, and assumes it's his father reading the newspaper. He glances at the clock, showing 10am. He turns in his bed and drags the blanket up again, closing his eyes to take in the familiarity in this moment.  
  
As a teen, he would've done just the same as now, only to have his mother burst in through the door minutes later to tell him that he needs to hurry and get breakfast in him if he doesn't want to miss football training. His father would've accompanied him to the field, not because Taekwoon needs it, but that's also one of their usual things to do together. Sometimes, he sits on the bench to watch the match, and Taekwoon is proud to say that his father had supported him more than anyone.  
  
"Because you look happy, playing football," his father had said when Taekwoon asked why he wasn't as against it as his mother. "And she's just worrying that you'll get hurt. She secretly stares at your trophies and cleans them when she thinks you don't notice."  
  
The moment is over when his phone rings, and he opens his eyes, slowly. He gropes after his phone under the pillow and rubs his eyes. Squinting to the screen, he's confused to see an unknown number.  
  
"Hello?" he says, and his voice cracks a little. He clears his throat, and sits up. "Who is this?"  
  
"Hyung?" The voice definitely belongs to Jaehwan, and Taekwoon recognises it even after two weeks of not hearing it. High-pitched and impatient. Taekwoon doesn't mind it as much anymore. "Hey, hyung!"  
  
"How'd you get-- Wait, never mind, is it Hongbin again?"  
  
Jaehwan chuckles. "You're so smart, hyung."  
  
"Why..." Taekwoon licks his lower lip and Jaehwan stays silent, waiting for him to finish the sentence. "Why'd you call?"  
  
"I was unsure if you'd answer your messages," he says. "So I'm calling."  
  
"Do you have something to tell?"  
  
Silence. "Yeah, I do," replies Jaehwan, and a quiet laugh follows. "Just not today. But I was about to ask if you wanted to catch a movie with me?"  
  
Taekwoon's hand reaches up to run fingers through his hair. "I'm not in Seoul right now."  
  
"Oh." Taekwoon could've sworn he heard disappointment in Jaehwan's voice. "It's all right then. I'll nag on Hongbin or Myungsoo and make them follow me. Maybe I'll bribe Sanghyuk into doing it by buying him a new video game."  
  
Taekwoon's throat is dry and he certainly doesn't know why. "I'll be home tomorrow, though. Afternoon." He says it even though he doesn't have to. He bites his tongue. "Do you have to watch it today?"  
  
"No, of course not!" assures Jaehwan. "Then, tomorrow? I'll wait in front of the Daehan Cinema. Is three a good time?"  
  
"I think so." His mother's head peeks in through the door and she mouths at him that breakfast's ready. He gestures a 'OK' with his hand. "Then... I guess, I'll see you."  
  
"Yes, see you!"  
  
When Jaehwan hangs up, Taekwoon sits longer in the bed than he should, and thinks about what he just agreed to, and it isn't until his mother shouts his name that he drags himself up to wash his face.  
  
"Girlfriend?" is the first thing she asks, eyes glimmering, at the table. He winces. "What?"  
  
"It was a..." Taekwoon considers this, putting rice in his mouth and chews. "A friend. It was just a friend."  
  
He can't tell his mother that there won't ever be a  _girlfriend_. He really dislikes seeing her disappointment face. She doesn't have to ever know.  
  
"Oh, I see," she sighs. "You're soon twenty-five, and still single. I don't think I've ever heard you talk about someone you like before."  
  
"It hasn't been necessary," he says, swallowing the food.  
  
He picks vegetables to eat under the whole meal, and once in a while, his father notices, and puts a bit of meat in his bowl. He doesn't say no and instead eats it up. He helps with washing the dishes later on, and spends the rest of the day with his parents, watching a drama that marathons on television and laughing at his mother's complaints of the male lead.  
  
Next morning, he wakes at nine and has to force himself up despite wanting to whirl the blanket around his whole body. He gathers his things and puts them all in the suitcase, and his mother comes in with the clothes she's washed. She doesn't say anything, and only looks at him with sad eyes.  
  
"Are you going without eating breakfast?" she whispers in the hallway when he's all finished and putting on his shoes. His father puts an arm around his mother and draws her closer. "Visit us more, in the future."  
  
"Don't cry, mum." He pulls them both in for a hug and tries not to linger. His mother might cry, anyway, when he's gone, but he doesn't want to see it. It'd make him feel horrible. "Take care, mum, dad."  
  
"Call often," his father demands, patting Taekwoon on the arm. "Go now, so that you won't miss the train."  
  
He lets himself breathe out the scent of home on the bus, and he's already thinking about his hectic schedule when he hasn't even reached Seoul yet.

 

★ ★ ★

  
Jaehwan is standing there in a loose white shirt and black shorts, sunglasses on. He's staring at his phone, not noticing how Taekwoon nears. His phone vibrates in his pocket, and he takes it up to see a new message from  _ken_  ♕ asking him where he is.  
  
"I'm right here," he says, putting his hands on Jaehwan's shoulder from behind, drawing a shriek out from the younger man. He drops his hands immediately. "Be quiet, will you."  
  
"You scared me." Jaehwan feigns a heart attack, only to let a smile paint his lips when Taekwoon turns on his heels and walks towards the ticket machines. "Did you have a good time with your family?"  
  
"I did," replies Taekwoon without hesitating. "You decide the movie."  
  
They end up watching horror, a new Paranormal Activity film, and Taekwoon regrets it when Jaehwan lets out a scream in the middle of the movie, letting his popcorn go to clutch at Taekwoon's bicep and hide his face in the nape of Taekwoon's neck. He shoves Jaehwan away, because it's annoying. (And not because he's afraid Jaehwan will hear the way his heart thuds, not because he's  _surprised_  by the way he reacts).  
  
"I'm never watching anything with you again," he declares when they're outside. Jaehwan still has popcorn left, and he throws some in his mouth, laughing loudly. "How do you even manage to scream that high?"  
  
"I'm a main vocalist," Jaehwan states, shrugging, and grins grossly. His fingers are greasy when they curl around Taekwoon's wrist, and suddenly they're running towards something. "Hey, look!" he says, letting go of Taekwoon's hand, and pointing at a plushie machine.  
  
"Are you five?"  
  
"Hm." He shoves his popcorn in Taekwoon's arm and gropes after coins in his bag, and his grin grows wider when he finds some, and Taekwoon's only sinking more and more for every passing second. "If being five means I can have fun, then why not. Just wait, I’ll win one for you."  
  
He's spent almost all his coins and ten minutes on this when he finally manages to fish up a lion. "Hyung!" he exclaims, his face making expressions that are not describable. "I got a lion!" He takes out his price and smooths its fake. "I'll give this to you."  
  
"I don't really..."  
  
Jaehwan takes his popcorn back and puts the lion in Taekwoon's arms instead. "I told you I'd win one for you, not for me. Let's go."  
  
He opens his mouth and closes it. "Okay." But Jaehwan's too far away to hear.

 

★ ★ ★

  
There’s a spot in his room that’s always felt a little bit empty, and Taekwoon’s been meaning to fill it up but hasn't had a chance to yet. That's where he places the lion later when he gets home, and he gets used to seeing it as August draws to an end, the summer heat long stolen by the cold wind, and Fall approaches.

 

★ ★ ★

  
"J.Dice?" Hongbin squints at the announcement hanging in the hang-out room. "Did our company actually name our first idol group ever J.Dice. I thought VIX sounded better."  
  
He slumps down on the couch next to Taekwoon and stretches his legs, the huge scarf that he's wearing covering half of his face. His hair is dyed in a light shade of red, and he looks worn-out like that, without makeup or anything on his face.  
  
"Stop staring at my face, hyung, I know I'm beautiful, but." Hongbin grins behind the scarf. "My face looks horrible right now, I know. No sleep, no food. How could they ask me to come to the shoot clean-clean."  
  
The door opens, and Sanghyuk steps him, unlike Hongbin, with newly done makeup on his face. "Hello," he says, voice hoarse and then coughs. He sits across from them, phone in his hand, and looks like he's about to fall asleep any second. Snoring, too.  
  
"You're sick, punk?" Hongbin asks, kicking Sanghyuk's leg lightly, only to have the younger kick back twice as hard. "You sensitive little brat!"  
  
Evidence is when Sanghyuk's grins with all his teeth shown, eyes disappearing, and sticks out his tongue. Taekwoon thinks the eyeliner doesn't fit on his face at all.  
  
"If you're sick, stay at home," Hongbin says. "You'll end up collapsing again." Sanghyuk's expression shifts from amused to annoyed in a split second, and he clears his throat, going back to his phone. "God, he listens to no one."  
  
It's strange, how Taekwoon imagines Jaehwan appearing in this very moment to put his hands on his hips, and yell at Sanghyuk for being an irresponsible person who doesn't know how to take care of himself.  
  
"I don't need to listen to anyone," Sanghyuk mutters. Hongbin pretends to look offended. Maybe he is, for real. When Sanghyuk first started, two years ago, he'd trailed after Hongbin and said: "I'll listen to everything seonbae says!"  
  
Then he'd started listening to the other voices who pointed out all his flaws and made him skip meals to go to the gym and Hongbin's voice must have been blocked out ever since then. Negativity is, sometimes, more powerful.  
  
Usually, Taekwoon wouldn't care. Or even if he cared, he'd rather keep his thoughts to himself. Usually. "Call your manager, and say that you'll cancel all schedules for today," he says now, closing the magazine on his lap.  
  
Sanghyuk blinks, staring at Taekwoon, and Hongbin is doing the same. "Hyung… um, I can't. It's a shoot for Bean Pole and they're very—"  
  
"Another reason why you should cancel it," he interrupts. "If it's Bean Pole then it's probably an outside shoot. If you're embarrassed about what Hongbin mentioned about collapsing, then you should prevent yourself from running into situations where you'll cause yourself to faint."  
  
Flushing, he nods, after a while, and goes out to make a call. Taekwoon returns his attention back to the magazine, but Hongbin's gaze is still on him. "What is it?" he asks. "If you're going to complain about me being harsh then—"  
  
"No, that's not it." Raising his eyebrows, Taekwoon looks up to see Hongbin staring with amusement in his eyes.  
  
"Then what?"  
  
"First of all, I can't believe you actually got him to listen to you," Hongbin laughs. Then, tilts his head and looks a bit confused. "Second, it's… strange to see you say something about it."  
  
"About what?"  
  
"I don't know, you don't really ever voice out your thoughts so it's quite a surprise. Maybe that's why Hyuk said yes so quick," Hongbin says with a smile. "It's a nice change."  
  
Pressing his lips together, he doesn't respond.

 

★ ★ ★

  
"The CEO wants everyone to go down and say hi to the J.Dice boys and give them support," Shinwoo manager says, sipping on his coffee. "You should do it."  
  
They're in one of the meeting rooms, arranging all Taekwoon's casting calls on the list. "I'm sure all the others are doing it enough," he says. His phone beeps.  
  
_i've landed my first cover, hyung!!!!_  it says, and it's from Jaehwan. "What are you smiling at?" Shinwoo manager asks, narrowing his eyes as if he can't quite figure out what he's seeing right now.  
  
"Nothing." He puts the phone back in his pocket and pretends to look interested in the papers in front of him.  
  
"Anyway, you should do it, still. You're highly respected by them, being the one leading in the company and all."  
  
The way Shinwoo says it makes it sound like it's something, like he's just won the Championship five years in a row or something. "Maybe," he says.  
  
He ends up doing it anyway, because Shinwoo manager rarely asks him to specifically do something and there's nothing on his schedule until the evening when he has to attend another one of those events with Myungsoo and Hongbin. Even before he opens the door, he can hear the faint sound of music blasting from the speakers, spilling out. He's heard the song before; the director played it on their usual 'family meeting' this month and presented it as the new idol group's debut song.  
  
The only thing Taekwoon had noticed was Jaehwan's eyes on his shoes, and the way he'd smoothened out his already smooth shirt and when he was asked what he thought about the song, he'd smiled a rare half-hearted smile and said he  _really_  liked it.  
  
The boys stops in the middle of practice, sweating and breathless and turns to him when he opens the door. A short guy runs to the laptop to turn off the music and bows briefly at him.  
  
"I bought cold drinks for everyone," he says, flashing a kind smile, as he approaches them with the bag of drinks.  
  
They say their thanks and hurriedly takes one. "Thank you for your support, seonbae," a boy his height says, gulping down one apple flavoured juice. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, then wipes the back of his hand on his pants. "I'm Wonshik," he says, and waits for Taekwoon to shake his hand. "Or Ravi. That's my stage name."  
  
"I'm Jung Taekwoon," Taekwoon replies, shaking his hand.  
  
Wonshik proceeds to introducing all the other members; Daewon, Nakhun, Yoonchul and Byoungjun. "Originally, we were going to debut as six, with Jaehwan as our main vocalist," Wonshik says. "Or you maybe know him as Ken."  
  
"I do know Jaehwan," Taekwoon replies. "Your song is good; you'll do well. Keep practicing hard."  
  
They all bow him goodbye when he leaves the main practice room and is about to walk up the stairs when he is caught by a voice. The boys play the music to dance again, but there's also another person singing somewhere. It's out of curiosity that Taekwoon goes through all the smaller practice rooms, until he finally finds the owner to the voice.  
  
The way Jaehwan sings, hand against his chest, eyes closed, and every emotion reflecting on his face, sends a shiver down Taekwoon's spine. He stops and stares, stares until Jaehwan stops singing and finally notices him.  
  
"Hyung?" Jaehwan says, confused, and he manages to stumble on some wire on his way. Taekwoon is quick to catch him. "Hyung, what are you doing here?"  
  
"I heard someone sing." He tries to breathe, but the way Jaehwan's pressed against him, fingers curling around his arms instead of letting go isn't making it better. "It was you."  
  
Jaehwan's eyes are disappearing and he smiles. He sparkles. Taekwoon has nothing to blame, and he doesn't really want to blame on something either. "What do you think?" He peels himself away from Taekwoon now, pulling two chairs forward for them both to sit on. Taekwoon closes the door.  
  
"So maybe you were not exaggerating with all the main vocal talks," Taekwoon admits. He can't stop staring at Jaehwan. Can't get his voice out of his head. "You're good."  _Sing more_. Taekwoon doesn't say that.  
  
"Thank you," Jaehwan says, and he's still smiling. Always smiling. Forever smiling. Taekwoon could be sinking, and sinking deeper in the quicksand and Jaehwan would probably just stand there  _smiling_. "Do you play any instruments?"  
  
"Piano," he says. "I play the piano."  
  
"Oh, I’m currently learning the piano on a more professional level." He tilts his head. "Play something for me someday?"  
  
"I… haven't played anything in a long time." He hasn't even touched the piano in more than five years. Now that he thinks about it, his fingers curl, and he might miss playing.  
  
"Try!" argues Jaehwan now. "Promise me you'll play for me."  
  
"Why would I?" And that's really the question.  _Why would he?_. More importantly,  _why is he even here?_.  
  
Jaehwan licks his upper lip. "I don't know?" He grins. "Because you totally adore me, admit it, hyung."  
  
It earns him a punch to the arm, but he laughs loudly. "Oh, right, you said you landed your first cover."  
  
"Yeah, for High Cut." He doesn't shine as much as when he talks about music or singing, but he looks proud. "It's barely been three months. I can't  _believe_  it's been three months, though. I am still not used to all of this." He leans against the chair and looks up to the ceiling, and Taekwoon looks at him, not able to tear his gaze away. "I guess it's not like fans chase after me on the streets."  
  
"They don't usually do that," Taekwoon says. "It hasn't happened to me that much. I can move around kind of freely without being recognised."  
  
"Really? Even when you're as famous as you?"  
  
He forces his eyes to stare at something else when Jaehwan turns to look back at him. "It's a whole different thing from being an idol," he tells. "I guess the schedule isn't as packed, and you still have time at home to rest, but…" He isn't sure how to say this. "It's tiring. In the progress, you might break." Then, he lets his eyes meet Jaehwan's. "I've been meaning to ask, but why did you agree?"  
  
"Agree to what?" Jaehwan is playing with his hair now, that's dyed dark blue. It looks good on him. Taekwoon wants to run his hand through his hair. And that doesn't make  _sense_.  
  
"To leave your main vocalist position for this."  
  
Jaehwan laughs. It's not whole-hearted at all, and  _everything_  about Jaehwan is so whole-heartedly that it hurts. The way he smiles, the way he talks, the way he asks, and listens to answers, and the way he cares, and worries. Whole-heartedly things are rare, so rare and Taekwoon's just not used to it. Just like he's not used to silence because Jaehwan's voice is loud and obnoxious, yet so easy to start liking.  
  
Not because Taekwoon likes it.  
  
"Honestly, to chase my dream," Jaehwan says, waving his hand at the  _dream_  part, "I went to many auditions. I was confident. Back then, I was known as  _Ja-chil_  in my neighbourhood. Number one singer, there, really. My friends trusted in me, too, that I would make it. But I failed so many auditions." He ruffles his hair, and it looks all messy. Hair falls on his eyes, hiding them. "I failed the last audition, too, which was for this company."  
  
Taekwoon reaches out to brush the hair away, and Jaehwan looks at him, surprised, but calm. "So?" His fingers brushes Jaehwan's cheek, and it's the tiniest type of touch, but he swears he feels a strange spark. He pulls his hand back.  
  
"I almost made it. I placed second on the auditions. The director took me in, anyway. Also, the boy who placed first dropped out." Jaehwan inhales. "So when he asked me to switch I… I really didn’t have a choice but to agree to it. I just realised that maybe I'm not as good as I've always thought I was. Maybe he didn't want me in the group, anyway." He's smiling again when he exhales, and chuckles. "But he promised me solo projects in the future, and I'm holding onto that. It's a nice deal."  
  
He doesn't say anything to Jaehwan for a while, lost in thoughts. He thinks of football and an injured foot, of Lu Han and Yixing's disappointed faces when he said he'd leave the team, of entering the glittering world of camera flashes and jeans that sits so tight that it cuts skin and— there's Jaehwan who arrived with the summer heat, so suddenly.  
  
"I hope you'll successfully begin your solo career soon," he finally decides on saying.  
  
"I'm glad I switched, though," Jaehwan says. "I'm trying something I've never even imagined of doing, experiencing so many things, and meeting so many new friends. Like Hongbin, and Myungsoo, and Sanghyuk. Most of all, you."  
  
"Shut up," he groans and Jaehwan laughs at his own cheesiness.  
  
It's the  _me too, I'm glad you did_  that Taekwoon buries as he breaks out into a tiny smile, chest warming up as though it’s still in the middle of July.

★ ★ ★

  
"Look who's here," Jongdae says, smirking as he grabs three menus on his way to a table, when Taekwoon arrives at the smoothie shop, after his schedule, four days after. Chanyeol is no where to be seen, so Taekwoon assumes that Jongdae's taking over today. "What would you like, Mr. Supermodel?"  
  
Jongdae's remark attracts attention from a few teenage girls sitting by the corner with each a glass of smoothie. Their eyes follows Taekwoon when he sits with his back to them, a table away. "A glass of water," he replies, taking off his coat and the scarf.  
  
"Trust me," Jongdae says, rolling his eyes, as he proceeds to take out a box of blueberries and a box with mango. "If I were Hakyeon, I would've banned you from ever coming here.  _A glass of water_ , please, you're occupying a seat, and not paying for anything,  _hyung_." Jongdae winks and Taekwoon snorts. "I'll make you your favourite smoothie."  
  
"No one can make Taekwoon's favourite smoothie except me- Hi, guys." Hakyeon walks through the door, brushing rain drops from his jacket, and goes straight into the kitchen with the grocery bags in his hands. Ryeowook comes in right after, and smiles when he sees Taekwoon.  
  
"Long time no see," he says, sitting down across from Taekwoon. "How was summer vacation?"  
  
"Good. I had a busy schedule, although it hadn't been the worst and…" Half-moons. Sparkling eyes. "That's that. How was England?"  
  
"Wonderful," Ryeowook sighs. "We have better smoothies here, though," he adds, laughing. "I'll get back to work so that Hakyeon can go home, then."  
  
He walks into the staff-room to change, and Hakyeon comes out with car keys in his hand. "Wanna get dinner?"  
  
"If we get salads," Taekwoon says. "I'm on a diet." Hakyeon turns to slowly look at him. "It's a small one," he assures. "I'm eating three meals a day and drink way more coffee than I should. I'm pretty much failing this diet, to be honest."  
  
"You're so  _thin_ ," Hakyeon says, and they get in his car instead of Taekwoon's. " _All_  of you are. I don't get why you still need to—"  
  
"That's just how it is," Taekwoon says, turning on the radio and Hakyeon follows his hand, eyes curious. "What?"  
  
"You usually like to have it quiet in the car," Hakyeon says. "What changed that?"  
  
"Nothing, I would just like some music right now," he replies and Hakyeon shrugs, dropping it.  
  
Hakyeon eats his salad while scribbling down things to order for the smoothie shop and Taekwoon is unawarely waiting for his phone to beep. "So, free this Sunday?" Hakyeon says, stabbing the piece of chicken to bring to his mouth.  
  
"I think so." Preparations for Fashion Week starts soon. That's kind of the reason behind his diet, too; he needs to be in shape when it starts.  
  
"Great! Dinner with the smoothie shop staff, then," Hakyeon chuckles. "Hongbin complains that you've stolen Jaehwan from him these days."  
  
Taekwoon might have choked, but no one will know because he fakes a cough instead. "Why do I always hear 'Hongbin' whenever you guys have heard something new about me," he says, frowning.  
  
"Don't strangle him," Hakyeon says. "But don't change the subject. Did you grow that close to Jaehwan?"  
  
"We're not close," Taekwoon snaps. But he does know that he's doing all the things he hasn't done, ever, with Hongbin or Myungsoo, and he's known them far longer than Jaehwan. Said things he usually wouldn't bother to. "We're not close," he repeats. "He's… just…"  
  
"A friend?" Hakyeon suggests and gets a small nod back. "Hongbin says you're closer to Jaehwan than to him, though."  
  
"He sure says a lot of things," Taekwoon mutters, picking up a napkin to wipe his mouth with. "I'm not really close with Hongbin, either."  
  
Hakyeon looks up with wide eyes, and almost chokes on laughter. Serves him right. "He'd be heartbroken to know that!"  
  
"We just… eat a lot together." He ponders about it. "He drags me out on lunch with him all the time. Sometimes, with Myungsoo. And it's just like I used to eat lunch with Sojin when we had time."  
  
Used to. He hasn't seen Sojin around in a while. He still needs to get back to her about the New York thing. He can't push it back forever.  
  
"What exactly is your definition of closeness with a friend?" Hakyeon asks, drinking his glass of orange juice. "From what I see, you could reject Hongbin any time, and yet, you still follow him every time he asks."  
  
"He doesn't 'accept rejections'," Taekwoon says. "And we're close. You and I." His heart doesn't pound, and his stomach isn't tied into knots. He decides that he likes this change. It's been too long, anyway.  
  
"We spent all our days together because of our jobs, Taekwoon, back then," Hakyeon says. "If you collect all the meals you've had with Hongbin over these years, then you should probably see why your definition is wrong, whatever it is."  
  
"I—"  
  
His phone makes a familiar sound, and he knows it's a new LINE notification.  _i just got confirmed for london fashion week!!! first runway and it's overseas too i'm nervous TT__TT_.  
  
_Just try to remember everything from your lessons,_  is what he replies, and it's when he's pushed send that he realises Hakyeon's staring.  
  
"Wow, I could almost think you were messaging a girlfriend if I hadn't known better."  
  
Taekwoon lets the smile he never knew he was wearing drop and bites his lower lip. "Fuck off."  
  
"Who is it? Jaehwan?"  
  
"It's not," he lies and he doesn't know why. And he hasn't really known anything these days. "Just eat your food."  
  
"Only if you pay," Hakyeon says, joking. "Also, please don't tell Hongbin you don't think he's your ~second best friend~ because poor guy will be crushed." Taekwoon doesn’t hesitate a kick against Hakyeon’s leg under the table. He hisses, and kicks back. "You’re horrible."  
  
"You love me," Taekwoon dares to say, because he’s  _safe_  now, heart still beating normally. Hakyeon has this horrid expression on his face before it breaks into a huge smile.  
  
When they’re finished and in the car again, Hakyeon looks over at him for a while, then says, "Take Jaehwan with you, if you want to."  
  
“I’ll try to remember to ask,” Taekwoon replies, and tries to make his words sound empty, but he’s already reaching for his phone.

★ ★ ★

  
It's, surprisingly, his middle sister who answers the phone when he calls home later that night. "Noona?" he asks. "Why are you at home?"  
  
"I'm not forgetful like you, kid," she says, voice playful. "I'm here to celebrate Chuseok with our parents. Your other sisters are all busy, and apparently, so are you. The atmosphere here is still good, though, we don't need you."  
  
He laughs, imagining her sticking out her tongue like the child she is. "I'm sorry, I have a schedule."  
  
"Don't fret, it's fine," she says. "Remember to dress warmly, the weather's changing quickly. We know how easily you get sick." He hears how she stirs something. His middle sister's cooking is delicious, and Taekwoon sighs just at the memory of her curry.  
  
"I know. I have people to dress me anyway."  
  
"True, that," she laughs.  
  
"I hope you're still doing good?"  
  
"It's wonderful," she assures. "Your brother-in-law just booked two tickets to Thailand for this Christmas vacation. Can't it be December faster?"  
  
Ah. New York with Sojin. He almost forgot. "Have fun, noona."  
  
"You should do something, too. Or visit home."  
  
"I thought of that," he says. "If I don't get any good casting call, that is."  
  
"Yes, work until you're all exhausted like your youngest sister,  _that's great_ ," she says sarcastically. "Take the break you deserve, Taekwoon, you've been working nonstop for almost ten years, and I bet the company would even give you a year's break if you so wanted to."  
  
The truth is that he doesn't have that many years left to work like this. He's turning twenty-five, soon, and there aren't many people in this industry over thirty-two. It should be a relieving thing, but he thinks, he would miss it a little.  
  
"I know," he says. "Don't worry, noona."  
  
"I've missed you," she adds, before they end the call, and Taekwoon smiles.  
  
He lets out a breath and considers calling Sojin, but figures that it's probably politer to talk to her about it in person. She'd looked like she wanted him to agree to go with her, so much. His eyes land on another number, though, and it's not a saved contact in his phone yet. He hesitates, staring at the number, for a good while.  
  
Jaehwan picks up after two rings, so Taekwoon doesn't have time to regret even if he'd wanted to. "Hello?" Taekwoon's frowning. Jaehwan sounds horrible, voice hoarse and breathless. "Taekwoon-hyung? Hello?"  
  
"Are you sick?" he asks.  
  
"Ah, damn, is it that obvious?" He's coughing now, and Taekwoon puts the phone away from his ear a while. "What's up, though?"  
  
Ignoring the question, Taekwoon says, "When did you get sick?"  
  
"Me? I don't know, might be that cold day we went to see a movie." It feels like Jaehwan's smiling, now.  
  
"Well, here's someone who gets sick easier than me," he mumbles, like he's defending himself from his middle sister's earlier remark.  
  
"What?" Jaehwan says, and his voice cracks. "I hate this so much, oh gosh."  
  
"Stop talking, it'll make it worse."  
  
"Hyung, if you haven't noticed, we're  _talking_  on the phone with each other, so it's bit hard to  _stop_  talking."  
  
Jaehwan is impossible. Taekwoon sighs. "Did you drink tea?"  
  
"I did, I did, but what's  _up_?"  
  
His mind is blank and Jaehwan waits impatiently, asking 'hyung?' once every two second. "Hakyeon asked if you wanted to have dinner with us, this Sunday. But I think it's a no." Jaehwan whines and asks  _wait, why not_ , and his voice cracks again. "You're this sick, you can't go out."  
  
However, Jaehwan thinks otherwise. "It's in like, two days, I'm sure I'm going to be just fine by that time!"  
  
"You are so  _stubborn_ ," Taekwoon says, and it kind of just slipped out. But Jaehwan laughs quietly, and really, it's easy to ignore the way his stomach flips.

★ ★ ★

  
Hongbin looks like he's gotten only two hours of sleep, and he probably did, too. Taekwoon doesn't mention this, of course, and instead goes to buy coffee for him. "Hyung, you're so caring," Hongbin says, smiling, and blows on the coffee so that he doesn't burn his tongue.  
  
"You always say that," Taekwoon points out. "I'm not, though."  
  
"How do I put it?" Hongbin says. "You're really caring, without noticing it yourself, maybe. Like buying coffee for me 'just because' instead of telling me my face looks like shit."  
  
Taekwoon makes a grimace. "Sorry."  
  
"Uh-uh," Hongbin laughs. "I like it. Because for your information, people don't like being pointed out that they're ugly."  
  
"Don't exaggerate," Taekwoon says. "You're not ugly."  
  
Hongbin smiles knowingly. "I know, I know. I'm a model," he adds, quietly, and Taekwoon's sure he's not talking to him anymore.  
  
"What is… your definition of being close to someone?" Taekwoon asks, slowly.  
  
Hongbin stares at him as if he doesn't understand the question at first, but then he shrugs. "I don't know?" He puts down the cup of coffee and thinks. "I'm close to you, hyung. I don't discuss the fact that I think I'm ugly today, and you wouldn't have gone all the way down there to buy me coffee, and I wouldn't have let you, if we hadn't been close. That’s mentally, though. Closeness could be physically, too?"  
  
He thinks of Jaehwan's hands on his arms, and the way something flutters in his chest. Taekwoon’s not oblivious to the way his heart leaps at every smile Jaehwan gives. He’s just really good at refusing.  
  
He looks at Hongbin and smiles. "We're really close, then, mentally" he says, and it sounds a bit strange, but Hongbin grins back.

★ ★ ★

  
At the Japanese restaurant, on Sunday, Jaehwan's thigh pressing against his own is all Taekwoon can put a notice to. He chews his food too quickly, and has a hard time paying attention to what Ryeowook says about his stay in England when Jaehwan's laughter rings too loudly in his ear, or when Jaehwan's arm brushes against his own. At some point, Jaehwan's hand slides down from the table to rest on Taekwoon's knee, and he stiffens.  
  
"Are you okay?" Jaehwan leans in to ask. Hand still lying still.  
  
"I'm fine," Taekwoon replies. He notices only vegetables in Jaehwan's bowl, and it's still almost full of rice. "Why aren't you eating?"  
  
Jaehwan opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He removes his hand, and Taekwoon almost thinks he's blushing as he grabs a piece of meat with his chopsticks and smiles reassuringly at Taekwoon. "I'm eating, what are you talking about?"  
  
"You both must be busy these upcoming months," Ryeowook says, and Taekwoon glares at Jongdae and Chanyeol who are too busy bickering over there. "Considering it's the holidays and all."  
  
"I got my first casting call," Jaehwan says, smiling. He's sitting a bit further away now, and Taekwoon tries not to miss the warmth. "It's for a magazine in Tokyo. I also have a few other magazine shoots to do, and a commercial. There's also the London Fashion Show. I'll probably be busy all November and December."  
  
"Man, I would be pretty ruined by now if I had to go through that," Chanyeol says, shaking his head. "It's just a bit too much, you know."  
  
"Yeah, because you can't even manage to pick up pieces of a glass that  _you_  dropped without cutting yourself," Jongdae says and they're back to scratching at each other. Hakyeon shakes his head.  
  
When nobody is really listening anymore, Jaehwan leans in again, and Taekwoon's breath hitches. "Director talked to me yesterday," he tells. "We're starting to work on my solo album next year."  
  
Jaehwan's shining, and he looks so, so happy, Taekwoon has to resist the urge to reach out. "That's great," he says. "That's really great."  
  
"Would you like to listen to the song first when it's all finished?"  
  
Taekwoon blinks. "Yeah," he replies, and lets a smile bloom on his lips. "I'd like to do that."

  
★ ★ ★

  
He manages to find Sojin sometime in October when she's practicing with Minah, and they sit down for a talk. She talks about how busy she's been lately, and when she tells him she's missed him, he gives her a smile back. "So," she says, putting her hair up in a ponytail now. "What'd you want to talk about?"  
  
"About what you said before," he says, and it's hard to pick out the words properly. He's never been a good talker. "I'm quite busy in December." A winter shoot in Stockholm, and a few events to show up on. He's not really lying. "I don't think I can accompany you."  
  
She smiles, shaking her head, but Taekwoon doesn't miss the way her expression changes a tiny bit. "I was expecting that anyway. It's okay. It'd be nice to travel by myself for once, too, and I'll probably shop a lot."  
  
"Thank you for understanding," he says. Not only for this, but for many other things. Like rejecting her even when she's worth more than that.  
  
Sojin looks like she gets what he's thinking about. "Always." Her smile is sincere, and Taekwoon thinks he doesn't deserve any of this.

★ ★ ★

  
_happy birthday hyung!!! i wish i could see u personally and give u a hug and say something cheesy like thank you for being born but i'm stuck in tokyo n___n sorry but have a great day!!! ♥_  
  
It's six in the morning. Taekwoon doesn't even bother asking him how he knows that today is his birthday, because at this rate, he's almost certain that Jaehwan even knows his favourite colour or something. He finds that he really doesn't mind, somehow.

★ ★ ★

  
He decides to take a break after all and is home again for Christmas.  
  
His sisters had made time to come home too, only without their husbands, although his oldest sister brings Seojun along. It's only for five days, but he spends them playing with Seojun, bickering over which channel to watch with his sisters, eating his middle sister's food, talking with his father, and helping his mother with the chores. He thinks of last year's December, spent in a studio while trying to breathe in the clothes that they gave him. It'd been cold, when he drove home to an empty house, later.  
  
"Winter is warm this year," his father says when they've finished dinner and is sitting outside in the balcony each with a blanket and a cup of tea in their hands.  
  
Just then, his phone blinks and he picks it up.  _merry christmas hyung!! im glad we both got to go visit our families but i miss you a bit_  
  
_Merry Christmas, Jaehwan_ , he replies.  _Only a bit?_  
  
He gets a quick reply back.  _a lot then heh_.  
  
Taekwoon hums, putting the phone down and then smiles at his father. "It really is."  
  
He doesn't forget to call Hakyeon, and message all the others to wish them a Merry Christmas.

 

★ ★ ★

  
Getting used to Jaehwan more than he already has is both easy and difficult. Easy, because Jaehwan finds every hole in his schedule to pop up in, showing up for coffee breaks or lunch or dinner or movies. Difficult, because Taekwoon can't control his gaze and heart, can't stop the fluttering in his chest, or the way his stomach twists,  _all the time_.  
  
They meet the most in the company, in one of the small practice rooms, though. Sometimes Jaehwan will send him something along the lines of  _i'm bored_  and it doesn't take long before Taekwoon replies  _what do you want to do_ , if he's not occupied with something else. And Jaehwan is always in there, singing when he doesn't have something on his schedule. Taekwoon doesn't say it, but he enjoys every second of just sitting next to him and listen.  
  
"Hyung, do you sing?" Jaehwan asks.  
  
Taekwoon does. He'd been in the school choir once. He sings when he's all alone at home. "I do," he says. "Only sometimes."  
  
Whenever Jaehwan's eyes lights up dangerously fast, Taekwoon knows that he has something in mind, and they usually turn out to be stupid ideas. "Sing with me," he says. "A duet."  
  
"Jaehwan, I really don't—"  
  
"Please?" He clasps his hands together and juts out his lower lip and Taekwoon finds it ridiculous while also trying to not melt like ice cream on a hot summer day. "You still haven't played the piano for me as promised, so you can do this, right?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
They pick a Park Hyoshin song, and Taekwoon can't get himself to  _sing_  at first, only mumbling while trying not to make his cheeks redder than they already are. Jaehwan laughs, and Taekwoon wants to punch him. "I'm not doing it," he sighs, standing up.  
  
Jaehwan's hand is holding onto him, though, "Sing with me," he says, again, this time softer and Taekwoon gives in all too quickly.  
  
Like this, snow melts to welcome the cherry blossoms, and winter turns into spring. Jaehwan is constantly by his side, hand warm on Taekwoon's arm, singing next to him and his smiles are never ending. Taekwoon might as well stop struggling. The quicksand is already to his neck.

★ ★ ★

  
Sojin's hair is blonde, when he sees her in April. He hasn't really talked to her ever since Fall, only been able to catch small glimpses of her in the company and on music broadcasts. They're the first ones to arrive in the meeting room, and she smiles up at him, like usual. She looks tired.  
  
"There's a lot to do," she says. "Variety and radio shows everywhere, and also practicing for our comeback." She puts her hands on the table. "It's been a while. What have you been up to lately, without me to eat lunch with?" There's a teasing tone in her voice.  
  
"It has," he agrees. Yesterday, he'd been to the movies with Jaehwan. The day before yesterday, he'd been at the smoothie shop. On Friday, he's supposed to eat dinner with Myungsoo, Hongbin and Sanghyuk. Nothing's changed, really, except for the lack of days to rest, because Jaehwan  _always_  wants to do something when they're both free, and Taekwoon knows he can't, and doesn't want to, say no. "Everything is just the same. I miss our lunches together, though."  
  
"You should stop being too nice to me," she says, intertwining her fingers, and looking down at her manicured nails.  
  
He's only being honest. "How was New York?" he asks instead, and she seems relieved to have the subject dropped. He puts that in mind.  
  
She looks like she had a lot of fun, telling him about the places she went and what she ate, and Taekwoon is glad to know she had a good time. "I did a lot of shopping," she sighs, "Minah stole half of my clothes, though."  
  
Their conversation is over when Jaehwan walks into the room, minutes later with Myungsoo, Sanghyuk and Hongbin. They all sit across from him and Sojin, except for Jaehwan, who walks towards him immediately and plops down on the chair. He greets Sojin first, then takes out his phone to type something.  
  
Taekwoon's own phone vibrates in his pocket, and he frowns at Jaehwan when he takes it out to see his name on the screen. "What?"  
  
"Just read it," he mouths just as Kyungri storms into the room. He turns his gaze to her, and Taekwoon opens his phone. "Noona, are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah," she says, slumping down next to Hongbin, who sits up properly immediately. "I thought I was going to be late. The CEO has been all frowns at me for not showing up at these meetings, Jesus."  
  
_my birthday is soon, hyung_ , it reads, and Taekwoon snorts. "Was this it?"  
  
Jaehwan's attention is on Taekwoon again. He pulls out his phone instead of anwering. As expected, Taekwoon gets a new notification, a few seconds later.  
  
_are you free on the 7th? that’s in four days_  
  
_why?_ , he asks, glancing up to Jaehwan.  
  
The director arrives at this moment with coffee for all them, and looks around. "Where's Minah?"  
  
"She's overseas," Sojin replies, blowing on her coffee. “Solo promotions in Japan.”  
  
The director starts talking. Taekwoon should put down his phone, because this kind of behaviour is rude. But Jaehwan's finished typing, and he gestures for Taekwoon to read.  _i'm assuming you want to give me a present u__u but do me a favour instead hm? i'll tell you later._  
  
"The things you do," Taekwoon leans in to whisper, "are really unnecessary."  
  
Jaehwan is too close when he shifts his head slightly, so that he's staring at Taekwoon. His heart tugs. It feels like a good tug. The kind of tug that makes butterflies spread their wings in his stomach. "You don't mind them at all," says Jaehwan. He's smiling now, and Taekwoon finds it hard to breathe. He pulls away.  
  
His hand is warm on Taekwoon's knee for the rest of the meeting, and Taekwoon hopes that Sojin doesn't notice.  
  
After the meeting, he's asked to stay for a little longer by the director. "I'll wait outside," Jaehwan says and is the last one to walk out. He closes the door behind him.  
  
"I'm glad you two grew closer," the director says, arranging his papers, and then putting them in his briefcase. He looks up to Taekwoon with a smile. It would be normal for Taekwoon to deny. But he doesn't. "Your manager contacted me yesterday and I heard that you got a casting call from London."  
  
Shinwoo manager had not mentioned this on the phone yesterday. He’d talked awkwardly about the weather and mentioned something along the lines of ‘it’s been a long time since I last went to a football match’ and Taekwoon didn’t respond, not putting notice to what Shinwoo manager was trying to imply because Jaehwan had been next to him, singing quietly, and looking beautiful in his new hairstyle. "Yes?"  
  
“He didn't want to bring it up with you first, because it's a,” the director pauses. “Sensitive subject.”  
  
The first and only time he'd talked to Taekwoon about something  _sensitive_ , had been ten years ago, in the same room, but Taekwoon had been fifteen with crutches and a contract in his hand. He was ready to trade old dirty cleats for shiny new brand shoes that leave blisters.  
  
"Tell me why you're willing to sign under the contract now when you'd been so firm about your decision before?" the director had asked, and he wasn't mocking. His eyes had shown sincere curiosity.  
  
At that time, Taekwoon swallowed the gulp in his throat and said, "Because I am afraid."  
  
Admitting it out loud had been hard.  
  
Even now, Taekwoon is still afraid. The director taps his fingers on the table to the beat of J.Dice's song playing faintly in the background. He finally takes up his phone to type something in, then walks to shut off the radio.  
  
"Take a seat," he says, patting the chair next to him. There's a video loading when Taekwoon glances to the screen of the phone.  
  
There's no way he'd forget his first commercial. His nails are digging harshly against his palms when he watches himself, thirteen at that time, chasing after a football with a smile that he didn't remember he had. A smile like Jaehwan's. His eyes had shone like stars in a pitch black sky, despite it being a sunny day. He realises, when the video stops, that the director has been watching him the whole time.  
  
"Are you still..."  
  
"We agreed to never talk about this," Taekwoon says, and he stands up. The chair scrapes against the floor. "I don't want to do it, whatever that casting call was about."  
  
"Let me finish," the director says. Taekwoon's not impolite. He stays, letting his nails leave marks on his palm. "This could be a good thing for you, Taekwoon. I'm not saying this to the model Jung Taekwoon, but to you. The little piece of a thirteen year old boy that's still in you."  
  
"We are the same person." But maybe they aren't.  
  
"Do you know why I wanted Jaehwan to debut as a model first?" When Taekwoon doesn't respond, he continues, "because I wanted to prove people that not all models are broken. His eyes that shine in every shoot is the evidence. Also, because he wouldn't have believed in himself a hundred percent if he'd debuted with J.Dice, only because of the mere reason that he placed second in the auditions. He's that kind of person."  
  
“How do you know what kind of person he is?”  
  
“Then, do you?”  
  
"He's..." And honestly, Taekwoon doesn't know what Jaehwan is. He is stars and a powerful voice that sings too quietly for the whole world to able to listen; he is feelings reflecting in his eyes, and warm hands; he is never ending smiles, but also a fragile person. That's why Taekwoon doesn't want to tuck hair behind his ear or reach out to press a palm against his cheek, or run his fingers through Jaehwan's hair, or find out the way his lips would feel beneath his, if Jaehwan's lips are soft or dry, if he tastes like vanilla or mint. Because he's afraid he'll shatter beneath the weight of Taekwoon’s secrets. "You'll break him. If he continues with this for a long time. Everyone breaks, in the end."  
  
He doesn’t mention Sanghyuk or Myungsoo, or himself, but the director gets it.  
  
"I'm trying to prove you wrong," the director says. "He won't break."  
  
"Why are you so sure?"  
  
The director smiles. "What do I call it? Intuition. I'll also tell you that I've always had an intuition about you, too. That you'd do so great if only you dared to put on your cleats again." He leans back against the chair. "It's your tenth year in this industry, if we count from the moment you admitted that you were afraid in front of me. The client in London found out about your commercial and wanted to shoot a similar one. He liked the way you smiled."  
  
"That smile doesn’t belong to me anymore."  
  
"It will again, if you try."  
  
Taekwoon doesn't want to. He looks down on his palms, and traces his fingers over the marks of his nails.  
  
"Think about it. It can be something special; a change, if you want it to be. You can go."  
  
Jaehwan is outside like promised, waiting. Taekwoon doesn’t mention his conversation with the director, and Jaehwan doesn’t push, although Taekwoon can see the curiosity and worry obvious in his eyes. Instead, they go to eat Chinese food and Jaehwan pulls not-so-funny jokes and gets sauce all over his face, and Taekwoon forgets about everything because he’s too busy not reaching out to wipe it away.  
  
Somehow, he still does it though, and Jaehwan stills under his touch. “You’re so clumsy,” Taekwoon says and tries to remember how soft his skin is. He puts down the napkin, but reaches up with his hand again to brush away his hair. He’s wanted to do this for some time now. “What am I supposed to do with you?” he breathes, and Jaehwan’s not supposed to have heard it.  
  
“Don’t do anything,” Jaehwan says, grinning, and Taekwoon reminds himself to drop his hand. “Just don’t stop hanging out with me. I’d be lonely.”  
  
“Hongbin will always be happy to be around you,” Taekwoon points out. “He’s pretty sure I’ve  _stolen_  you from him.” It isn’t what he really wants to say, but he cannot allow himself to step over the line. His fingertips still burn from the touch earlier.  
  
“Hongbin is nice,” Jaehwan sings. “But he’s not you.”  
  
“I’m just the one ignoring most of your messages.”  
  
Jaehwan laughs, and Taekwoon’s heart swells.  _It can be something special; a change, if you want it to be_. Letting Jaehwan take control of his heart and invade his life had been a change. Taekwoon just doesn’t know if it’s a good or a bad change.  
  
“I’ve gotten used to it. And you read my messages still, so that’s fine.”  
  
_I’ve gotten used to you_. “Eat your food.”  
  
There’s something that changes in Jaehwan’s gaze, but he nods. He picks at his food with his chopsticks though, but doesn’t bring it to his mouth. Taekwoon assumes he’s just not hungry, but there’s something at the back of his mind that says it’s something else.  
  
“You wanted to ask me for a favour?”  
  
Jaehwan’s mouth curls up immediately and he drops his chopsticks to clap his hands together. “Remember what I said about my solo album? I listened to the song yesterday night. I’m going to record it in four days.”  
“On your birthday?”  
  
“On my birthday,” he says, nodding. “It’s a great birthday present, huh?  
  
Taekwoon smiles. “What favour did you want me to do?”  
  
“Be with me when I record it.” He’s looking at somewhere else now, not meeting Taekwoon’s eyes. “I’ll be a bit nervous. And…” He pauses, biting his lower lip, eyes flickering, like he doesn’t know how to continue.  
  
“I’ll be there,” Taekwoon says.  
  
“Then pick me up on Sunday?”  
  
Jaehwan’s still not eating his food. Taekwoon tears his gaze from the plate of rice and meat and sauce mixed. He should mention something, but maybe Jaehwan’s just not hungry. “Of course.”

★ ★ ★

  
Ever since he was nineteen and attended the first after party where they could finally give him alcohol, he'd found out that he was a lightweight after forcing smiles and drinking every glass offered to him. He'd scored two deals with Marc Jacobs and Prada, and a number to someone he can't remember the name of now, who would help him have his face on a billboard,  _and_  the worst headache, when he woke up. (The dreams he has when he's drunk are not nice, involving rain, a field and slipping, and a pain still so raw. Sometimes he's able to hear Lu Han's yell from across the field).  
  
"You can't deal with alcohol, hyung," Hongbin says, snatching the beer from him. "You've had enough." He takes a sip from it, and Taekwoon feels the world spinning. "New record for you, though."  
  
The table is sticky against his forehead, and he hopes no one can recognise them. He can't think clearly. The words the CEO had said swirl in his head, and he can't make out anything. Round and round. Inhale. Round and round. He groans.  
  
"I've never seen him so…" Myungsoo whispers and narrows his eyes. "Miserable."  
  
"Well," Hongbin says. "You've never seen him so  _anything_ , have you. This hyung doesn't show much. I should take a picture."  
  
Taekwoon would reach out and punch him. If he had the power to. He ends up groaning again, and slurring something along the lines of  _I will kill you_  and Hongbin's laughter only makes the headache worse.  
  
"We should get him home," Sanghyuk says. "Or Shinwoo-hyung is going to hunt us down. He probably has a schedule tomorrow."  
  
"I don't," he forces out. "I don't have anything." He considers it. "I had football."  
  
"He's talking," Myungsoo points out, "but I don't know what he's talking about."  
  
Taekwoon doesn't know how he went from having his forehead pressed against the table to being dragged inside a taxi with Hongbin, and it feels like a second but it also feels like a year before they reach somewhere. He doesn't know where.  
  
"Why did you drink so much?" Hongbin mumbles, and it's probably not a question.  
  
"He wants me to run again." Taekwoon slurs. He's not supposed to tell. He doesn't ever tell anyone. "He says I'll be able to do it."  
  
"What?"  
  
He doesn't respond. His eyes are still closed, and Hongbin is patting his shoulder. They're probably at his house, and he should get inside, but he can't move.  
  
The taxi door opens and there are mumbles. One person's voice is Hongbin's, but Taekwoon is too wasted to figure out the other voice even though he should. He recognises it somewhere deep down, but it isn't until he's pushed up and pulled out of the car, eyes squinting up at the person who catches him that it's confirmed. He's staring up at the sky, he thinks, but why are the stars so close to him? Taekwoon's world is still spinning. He closes his eyes, and just this once, lets himself lean against Jaehwan. He smells like mint and vanilla mixed together and it's so confusing, but Taekwoon breathes it all in.  
  
"Hyung," Jaehwan whispers against his ear, and his arms carefully wraps around Taekwoon to steady him. It's warm and cold at the same time. Taekwoon feels sick. He makes a sound, and his hand on Jaehwan's waist tightens, pulling the younger closer. "Let's go in."  
  
He should be suspicious about Jaehwan knowing his house's password, but he can't make himself care. It only feels natural, somehow. He's half-sleeping when Jaehwan strips his clothes off and cleans his face with a wet towel. "It's going to be difficult to get clothes  _on_  you," Taekwoon thinks that Jaehwan mumbles, but he isn't sure. "I hope you're not sensitive to the cold."  
  
Taekwoon feels a blanket on him, and his heart leaps when he hears Jaehwan clean up his clothes and towel, about to walk away. "Jaehwan," he croaks. It hurts to talk. "Stay."  
  
It's so quiet that Taekwoon almost believes Jaehwan's already gone, or that maybe he's been imagining everything the whole time, but he opens his eyes to see Jaehwan staring at him. "I—" he stops. "I'll just go put this in the bathroom," he says quietly, and points to the clothes.  
  
But Taekwoon's still afraid he won't come back. He does, though, with a glass of water, and helps Taekwoon up to gulp it down. "Hongbin called," Jaehwan says meanwhile and his hand is calming, against Taekwoon's back. "I got worried. Why did you… no, talk tomorrow. Now sleep, hyung."  
  
He's already about to sleep when his head hits the pillow again, but his fingers curl around Jaehwan's wrist and he forces his eyes open. "Are you going to go?"  
  
"If you want to, I'll stay until you're asleep. I don't have a schedule tomorrow."  
  
Neither has Taekwoon. He swallows, and his throat is so dry even water drinking water that it burns. "Then stay. I'll— can't you stay?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I have nightmares."  
  
He tugs Jaehwan closer. He could, if he wanted to, tug him down so that their lips meet. It's dangerous and it's terrifying, because then that means he's letting Jaehwan dig until he reaches the bottom to see everything Taekwoon's wanted to hide all these years, but it's also everything Taekwoon's wanted these last months. Kiss Jaehwan, that is.  
  
"Okay," Jaehwan whispers, and Taekwoon does none of it. Instead, he waits for Jaehwan to take off his jeans and crawl in beneath the blanket, too. Maybe Jaehwan is blushing, but Taekwoon will never know. It's too dark. His skin is warm against Taekwoon's, and he pulls him closer, hoping that he can blame it on being drunk tomorrow when Jaehwan gives him questioning looks.  
  
Right now, though, Jaehwan is carefully sliding his arms around Taekwoon too and it’s more than enough.

 

The nightmare is still the same. Running, slipping, a shriek, and pain. But he wakes up, at four with a migraine to see Jaehwan with his eyes closed and calm. He dares to lightly brush his lips briefly against Jaehwan's forehead and then goes back to sleep again, because he hasn't felt this close to someone before and… it's nice. This closeness. His chest against Jaehwan's. He doesn't mind it if it's too warm under the blanket and they're both sweating grossly.  
  
It should feel wrong, and he should move away, but it isn't and he doesn't. Taekwoon hasn't felt so right in his life.  
  


★ ★ ★

  
The guilt only arrives in the morning, worse than his headache, and makes him feel sick to the core when he wakes up to an empty spot next to him. But there's a sound of water running in the kitchen and footsteps, which means, Jaehwan is still here. The bed smells like Jaehwan's shampoo. Taekwoon doesn't know how to face him.  
  
He takes a shower and brushes his teeth slowly, dragging out the time and then changes into a t-shirt and jeans. Jaehwan's frowning down at the pot when Taekwoon comes out to the kitchen, hand holding a pair of chopsticks. He sees empty ramen packages.  
  
"What are you doing?" he asks, and Jaehwan jumps. It's adorable. Taekwoon chews on his lower lip to hide the smile. His stomach twists, twists, twists, and it feels like his whole world is  _still_  spinning. The warmth from Jaehwan's skin is lingering even after showering in cold water. "Do you even know how to cook?"  
  
"Hey, you're underestimating me!" Jaehwan exclaims. Taekwoon dares to breathe again when Jaehwan acts just like before… yesterday. Maybe they can avoid it. Maybe Jaehwan doesn't want to talk about it. Taekwoon doesn't know if he'd like that or not. "Well… I guess I can cook, but this turned out weird. I can make you a new—"  
  
Taekwoon catches his hand, but realises what he's doing. He drops it again, and smiles. "I'll eat it, anyway."  
  
"You sure?" Jaehwan asks, eyes wide. "I mean, it tastes  _weird_."  
  
"I think I've tasted all kind of weird food in the past," Taekwoon says, shooing Jaehwan away to reach for two bowls.  
  
"I'm not eating," Jaehwan says. Taekwoon glances at him with raised eyebrows. "I… ate before you woke up."  
  
Taekwoon doesn't mention that he knows Jaehwan's lying, because there are no plates or bowls in the sink, and Taekwoon doesn't even have food in his fridge. "Okay."  
  
It's later, when Jaehwan's sitting across from him while he eats that it finally dawns on Taekwoon. The food is hard to swallow when he traces his eyes across sunken cheeks, tired eyes that's trying hard to sparkle and bones that juts out. He looks  _different_  from when they first met. Taekwoon should've known. He was too busy relying on eyes that were still shining that he hadn't—  
  
"Why aren't you eating?" he asks. He sets the chopstick down, and Jaehwan's smile falters immediately.  
  
"I'm eating," he says, but his voice is small, and he doesn't look up. Taekwoon can't look at his collarbones without feeling sick, and it's not the alcohol. "I'm eating just fine. This is just my diet. They said I should eat healthier."  
  
_He won't break_. Lies. Taekwoon grips the edge of the table. "Diets include food," Taekwoon says, and it comes out harsher than he intended. "There's a huge, a very huge difference, between starving yourself and eating healthier. No one fucking seems to understand that."  
  
He hadn't either, before. Some are too stuck in this world that craved perfect bodies (even if nothing can be perfect, nothing, nothing, nothing) that they don't care about anything, ready to rip out their soul and sell it for something that doesn't even exist. And he'd thought Jaehwan would be one of those who wouldn't be affected. He'd clung onto that.  
  
"Whatever you're doing," Taekwoon says, calmer. "Stop it. Immediately."  
  
"I'm fine," he insists, and his eyes are unsure as they look at Taekwoon. "I said I'm fine. I've been getting more casting calls these days, and I don't have to go to castings. This is making people like me better."  
  
The words that spills out of Jaehwan's lips makes Taekwoon want to throw up. He hadn't seen this coming. He hadn't—  
  
"You are so wrong," he says. "You're— it's not about what other people want."  
  
"But this is the job I have right now," Jaehwan snaps. "And here, everything that people say matters.  _Everything_. You should know it more than anyone."  
  
"Learn to block them out." Jaehwan's hands are trembling, and he hides them under the table. "I'll take care of you."  
  
"I don't need you, or anyone, to take care of me," he says, hurriedly. "You should take care of yourself. I'll come by with porridge, later. Drink lots of water."  
  
Taekwoon can't find himself to stand up and stop Jaehwan when he walks out and the door closes. The ramen has gone cold, and only now does he realise that he's shaking, too.  
  
It's funny how he hadn't noticed. Jaehwan's smiles are there to hide the cracks underneath, sparkly eyes are for distraction, just like Taekwoon's distant to people are keeping them from digging. Jaehwan's already about to break.

  
★ ★ ★

  
Hongbin is silent at the end of the other line. He takes in a breath and starts, slowly. "Hyung, you can't… it can't be that you hadn't expected it, right?" he asks, and it sounds like he doesn't want to believe what he's saying, but it's a fact, and he should let Taekwoon know. "I mean, Jaehwan's not strong."  
  
That, he does know. Perhaps, he'd just wanted to lie to himself. All the times Jaehwan has rejected food, he'd known something was there, but he's so fucking good at making up excuses when he doesn't want to believe something. His stomach is tied up in knots. He hangs up without saying goodbye.  
  


★ ★ ★

  
  
"You look horrible," Hakyeon remarks when he brings two cups of coffee for the both of them. It's past closing time, and Chanyeol's already gone home. "Did you get rejected or something?"  
  
_I don't need you to take care of me_. He guesses that could be one way of putting it. "No," he says. "I'm beginning to feel what you felt." He swallows. "When you took care of me back then, I mean."  
  
Hakyeon doesn't usually talk about this, not because he wants to avoid it, but because he knows Taekwoon hates it. He raises his eyebrows slightly, putting the cup down and tilting his head. "Why?"  
  
"I live making up excuses," he says. Hakyeon waits for him to continue. "I made up excuses saying that I hated people when all I was truly afraid of was getting closer and have them see my flaws. Ever since I was a kid, I was like that." He takes the coffee in his hand, and it's warm. Not as warm as Jaehwan's arms around him though. He looks up at Hakyeon, who's still looking at him with the same, gentle eyes, waiting. "I… there was a boy, once. I considered him my first real friend. His name was Byun Baekhyun. His attitude was obnoxious, but he'd been nicer to me than anyone. I realised, already back then that I wouldn't be able to marry a pretty and nice girl like Sojin, like my mum wanted me to." He laughs. "Baekhyun liked this girl named Taeyeon. And me? I liked him."  
  
It feels terrible to say it out loud. He clenches his fists and waits for some kind of reaction. Maybe disgust. But Hakyeon shows nothing but a mere bit of surprise, and then he's smiling. It's not a smile of pity or something. It's a smile, he smiles whenever people say they like his smoothies or whenever he's making Taekwoon's hair.  
  
"Go on," he says, sipping his coffee, and Taekwoon finds it hard to swallow down the lump in his throat.  
  
"I made up excuses for that, too, when I grew older," he says. "It was just because he was my first friend, and I was so afraid of losing him." He doesn't mention his heart racing around Hakyeon. If anything, that's a thing he'd want to keep to himself. "But then…"  
  
"Then Jaehwan happened," Hakyeon fills in, as though he's been waiting for exactly this sentence the whole time. Taekwoon's eyes widens. "You're obvious, Jung Taekwoon. It's sad how you can't see the way you stare at him yourself."  
  
"When— when did you notice?" He tries not to stutter. If one person has noticed then he's sure someone else has. He clenches his fist.  
  
"When we had dinner, months ago, was when it really started to dawn upon me," Hakyeon says.  
  
"And you… you don't have anything against it? Me liking him? I'm a boy." This is not the way Hakyeon's supposed to react. Taekwoon's imagined his reaction many times before. He should… he shouldn't be this accepting. Or maybe it's just Taekwoon who's been too hard on himself all these times. "He is a boy, too."  
  
"Does it matter?" Hakyeon looks sincerely confused. "It's not like you committed murder or something." He shrugs. "You can like whoever you want to. But don't start liking Kyungri, I might not want to see your face ever again."  
  
Taekwoon can't help the laugh that bubbles up. "Thank you," he says.  
  
"Don't act like a different person now," Hakyeon warns, but he's grinning. "Did something happen to Jaehwan, though?"  
  
"He's gotten thinner. On purpose." Hakyeon's expression darkens. Taekwoon looks down on his knees. "I can't— I still don't want to believe it. To imagine him gripping those toilet sides, to imagine him forcing himself not to eat… I should've noticed months ago. But I was selfishly making up excuses for that, too. Because I wished that he would stay whole. A boy who was currently only modeling because he was waiting for his dream to come true. That's how I wanted him to stay. Whole, until he could sing again."  
  
Hakyeon puts down his cup. His eyes are searching for Taekwoon's, but he won't look up from his knees. "I'll ask you one thing," he says. "Only then can I decide if you’re selfish or not."  
  
"What—"  
  
"You would still like him, broken and in pieces, no?" he says, and his words sinks in Taekwoon, slowly. "You would still like him, with holes, right?"  
  
It's not something Taekwoon has to ponder over. "Of course," he says and he laughs again. It sounds sad, even in his ears. He presses palms against the denim, to smear off sweat, and then he breathes out. "You know, I decided, yesterday, that I'd continue to love him even though he's probably not even gay. He'd marry some beautiful girl and I'd still keep loving him."  
  
"Then why are you still here?" It's only a whisper this time. But Taekwoon shoots his head up. "Why are you with me when you should stay by his side and I don't know, feed him something."  
  
"Is it okay, for me to do that? I yelled at him yesterday."  
  
"You're not  _kids_ , those fights can be ignored. He probably needs you right now. Even if he might act like he’s mad at you, you just have keep holding on. If you want to help him."  
  
"I don't know where he lives."  
  
"I am not going to hold myself back from strangling you if you continue like that," Hakyeon hisses. "Just go already so I can clean up, stupid."  
  
It earns him a kick to his leg, and he shouts in pain, but Taekwoon smiles. "Hey," he says, and Hakyeon snaps  _what!?_  back, while rubbing his leg. "I'm glad I met you."  
  
“I’ve waited four years to hear that,” Hakyeon sings. “But please get out and go home to sleep, you really look horrible.”  
  


★ ★ ★

  
  
Taekwoon doesn’t call before visiting. Chances are that Jaehwan’s already left for his recording, but Taekwoon’s starting to take them now. Chances, he means. It’s not hard to find Jaehwan’s apartment, and he inhales. His hand is sweaty when he pushes the bell.  
  
He is met with wide eyes when Jaehwan opens the door to see him standing there with his grocery bags. He's dressed and probably just about to go out. Taekwoon smiles. "Can I come in?"  
  
"Of course." Jaehwan's stuttering. Taekwoon can't help but notices the way his collarbone juts out. "What did you bring?" The question is not really a question. It's impossible to see the leek that sticks out.  
  
"Ingredients," he replies, simple and short. He walks into the living room with Jaehwan at his heel. There's a pile of clothes in the midst of everything and books lying on the floor next to the couch. No smell of food, no traces of dirty dishes in the sink. He opens the fridge, and Jaehwan lets out something that sounds like a small wince. "I'm making you soup."  
  
"Hyung…"  
  
"Sit down," he says. "It'll be quick. I'm actually a good cook." It's not a lie. His middle sister and him both took after their mother in it. "Can you sing with an empty stomach?"  
  
Jaehwan doesn't laugh, but he pulls a grimace. "That's such a terrible joke. Or was it even a joke."  
  
"No, I'm saying, that your growling stomach is obviously going to sound louder than your voice."  
  
"You're horrible," Jaehwan groans, hiding his face in his hands because of second-hand embarrassment.  
  
Jaehwan ends up not even eating half of the soup, but he's eating, and Taekwoon can't stop smiling. "Is it good?" he asks, wrapping plastic around the bowl to put it in the fridge.  
  
"Yeah." For the first time in three days, Taekwoon is seeing Jaehwan smile again. "Thank you for the food. Now, I need to hurry."  
  
"I'll drive you, there," he says, and Jaehwan looks at him as if he's waiting for something, but Taekwoon drags him out to the car instead. "You wanted me to be there with you, right?"  
  
"Right." Jaehwan is fiddling with fingers. Taekwoon hopes Jaehwan is not reminded of that night and feeling uncomfortable. It's a memory he's taken out too often during these three days, though. Jaehwan's warmth is still lingering.  
  
"Nervous?" he asks, stopping the engine.  
  
"A little," Jaehwan admits, and gets out of the car. Taekwoon wants to hold his hand. Instead, he puts an arm around Jaehwan and pats him. Jaehwan tenses, and he's quick to let go.  
  
"You'll be all right."  
  
"I know." Jaehwan is not looking at him. "You are here."  
  


★ ★ ★

  
He realises, when Jaehwan is told to re-record the song for the sixth time, how his smile is still only growing larger and larger until it seems like he's really going to never stop, that Jaehwan's the happiest when he's singing. And he  _can't_  sing and let everyone hear him if he's tangled in a relationship. The world doesn't work that way these days. More so if it's with Taekwoon.  
  
And it's sad, because Taekwoon likes him the best when he's happy.  
  


★ ★ ★

  
"Taekwoon!" He turns around with two bottles of water at the sound of his name being called. It's Sojin, waving at him, and he smiles back at her. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Jaehwan is recording," he says. "For his solo album. I came with him."  
  
"Oh," she says, eyes going wide. "I'm here to record with him. He has a duet with me in his album. His voice is really great."  
  
Taekwoon nods. "I know," he says. He feels a bit proud that he's been one of the first of them all to hear it. It's childish, but he's been strange for months now. Maybe he's changing. He's never liked changes. But he can deal.  
  
"You look like you're in serious thought," Sojin says, and she places a hand on his arm. Her nails are painted avocado green today. It fits her. "Are you okay?"  
  
He stares at her for a while. "How did you…" He probably shouldn't bring it up. No one wants to talk about being rejected by the one who rejected them.  
  
"What, Taekwoon? Don't hold it back." She looks like she's worrying. She's always worrying about him, though. Does he look like that, too, when he's staring at Jaehwan? Taekwoon doesn't know. He figures that he doesn't want to know, not when he's decided already. "Tell me."  
  
"How do you push back your feelings?"  
  
Sojin blinks at him, and her hand slides off arm. He's afraid he's hurt her, but there's only a look of both confusion and curiosity. "Do you… like someone?" He doesn't reply. Then she laughs. "I'm not asking who it is, then." She tilts her head, and smiles at him. "I didn't push back my feelings. I think, pushing feelings back means liking someone but not confessing to yourself or to that person, that  _yeah I like this person_. When you rejected me, I found that the only way to not hurt myself was to keep on liking you. Until the feeling eventually faded. I still like you, though. Just not in that way."  
  
"Confessing?" The water bottles in his hands makes him cold. "I don't think that's possible in my case." He's supposed to stop Jaehwan from shattering, not be the reason  _why_  he shatters.  
  
"What, are you not sure if the person likes you back?" Sojin asks. "Don't think too much about that. Rejections hurt, but they'll heal you, too, once you've poured out all of your feelings."  
  
"I don't know," he says. She laughs again, then drags him back to the recording studio with her.

★ ★ ★

  
He doesn't know how he ends up in Jaehwan's apartment again when the recording is finished and he'd have driven home already, but he's here with a new bag of groceries and Jaehwan stands by the door, staring at him. "Hyung?" he says, confused, but lets Taekwoon step in and takes the bag, peering into it. "What are you doing here? It's like nine already."  
  
"Cake," he says. "I realised I forgot to say happy birthday." Jaehwan chews on his lips, but Taekwoon sees the smile anyway. "Also food. I'll cook for you again."  
  
"I'm fine," Jaehwan says. His voice is unsteady. He walks to the kitchen with the bag, and places it on the counter. "Hyung, you don't have to do this. I eat well on my own."  
  
Taekwoon doesn't say anything and instead walks past Jaehwan to take out everything and place it in the fridge. Jaehwan stares at the cake as if he's disgusted, a hand gliding over his stomach. Taekwoon holds back a sigh.  
  
"Why are you doing this?"  
  
"Because I want to."  
  
Jaehwan looks at him with confusion and his lips are trembling. "You're making it so hard for me to—" He stops in the middle of the sentence and bites his lower lip. "I'm trying so hard to— and yet you—"  
  
"Yet I what?" Taekwoon rapidly walks up to him and places both his hands on Jaehwan's shoulders. There's no way Jaehwan must have noticed. No way. He gulps. "Jaehwan, say it."  
  
"Do you remember?" he starts, and his voice is weak, unlike earlier when he'd been singing in the recording studio. There's still so many sides of Jaehwan that Taekwoon wants to learn about, wants to discover and he isn't sure if he'll be able to. He wants to, so much, though.  
  
"Remember what?"  
  
"It's been months," he continues. "But when you were at home in August, and I called you. I asked you to go watch a movie with me, that day." Taekwoon nods. He does remember. It seems impossible to forget anything with Jaehwan. He still remembers their first time meeting, remembers every detail of that day. "I… you asked me if I had something to tell you. I said yes. But then I also said  _just not today_."  
  
It's a brief memory, but Taekwoon nods. His heart is hammering in his chest, and Jaehwan's hands are against his chest now. He should care about the fact that Jaehwan will be able to feel the way it races, but he doesn't. He's waiting, patiently, for Jaehwan to talk again. He has gone pale.  
  
"And then you know, after just running away like that, that day," He's hiccuping now, and Taekwoon is terrified to see tears rolling down. He hesitates only a second before he wipes them away with his thumb, and Jaehwan closes his eyes. "I thought you'd think I was disgusting. I  _am_  disgusting. I can't even remember when I started to…"  
  
He is moving closer. Taekwoon feels dizzy. "But that's not what I think."  
  
"But that's not what I wanted to say." Jaehwan opens his eyes again, and inhales. Taekwoon can't breathe. His heart is about to beat out of his chest. "What I want to say will probably make you feel uncomfortable, and I've tried, I've really tried to  _not_  feel this way, because it's weird, and we're both boys, and I am not supposed to like you. But you're making it impossible. Why would you show up and take care of me. You should've continued to just ignore all my messages and—"  
  
It's going to be forever unclear to why Jaehwan is so important to him. Maybe it's the way Jaehwan laughs out loud very endearingly at his own jokes, or the way he smiles, or maybe it's his eyes and it could also be because he'd taken time to get to know Taekwoon, carefully taking down his walls brick by brick instead of trying to crash into it. It's probably all of that together and a little more.  
  
The only thing he knows right now is that Jaehwan's lips are soft, and not dry, beneath his, and he does taste like mint. His hand is warm against Taekwoon's back, and he's closing his eyes, pulling Taekwoon closer. His heart might really burst, when Jaehwan parts his lips to let him know that he wants Taekwoon back, and they stumble clumsily against the kitchen counter. Taekwoon can't get enough air, but he doesn't know how to break away. Jaehwan tilts his head, hand slipping under Taekwoon's t-shirt, and biting softly at Taekwoon's lower lip, only to run his tongue over later, as if to heal it.  
  
Taekwoon only breaks the kiss to press his lips to Jaehwan's cheek, tracing small kisses down his neck, and Jaehwan shivers under Taekwoon's touch, but most importantly, he is not breaking.  
  


★ ★ ★

  
  
Later, Jaehwan is drawing hearts on Taekwoon's stomach as they sit on the couch, watching movies, but not really. It's already two in the morning. He should really get up and go. But Jaehwan is warm against him, and Taekwoon has never been able to draw him closer like now. Jaehwan has his legs curled up, and Taekwoon his holding him with both arms. He wishes they could stay this way forever.  
  
"My birthday is over," Jaehwan whines, and his breath tickles Taekwoon's neck. He doesn't mind. He pulls Jaehwan nearer. "You didn't get me anything."  
  
"You said I wouldn't have to if I did you the favour," he points out. There are still butterflies in his stomach, and his heart hasn't calmed just yet.  
  
Jaehwan isn't making it better by having his lips brush against his neck, "I know," he says. "And it's all right. You got me a cake. You liked me back. I'm fine."  
  
"Do you want to eat the cake?" Taekwoon makes an attempt to get up, and Jaehwan makes a protesting whine, pulling him back. "You still haven't eaten your dinner."  
  
"It's two in the morning," he deadpans, and his hand lies on Taekwoon's stomach again. "Let's just watch this movie."  
  
"You're not even  _watching_. I cooked it for you, now you make sure to eat, brat." He breaks free, and drags Jaehwan up. It had been hard to cook, when all Jaehwan did was to jump around him, hands everywhere. "I'll warm up the food."  
  
Jaehwan eats very slowly, swallowing seems so hard, as if his throat has bruises. He doesn't finish everything, but he doesn't run to the bathroom either, and instead gulps down a glass of water, smiling up to Taekwoon. He ends up falling asleep on the couch while Taekwoon washes the dishes. He smiles and dries his hand on a towel. Turning off the television, he carefully carries Jaehwan to the bedroom.  
  
"Don't go," he mumbles, forcing his eyes open when he's on the bed and pulls Taekwoon towards him.  
  
"It's almost three, I am too sleepy for driving," Taekwoon says, pulling off his shirt and takes off his pants. "Mind sharing the blanket?"  
  
Jaehwan is already about to sleep, and Taekwoon kisses him on the forehead. "Not at all."  
  


★ ★ ★

  
"Did the director talk to you?" Shinwoo manager calls in the morning. Taekwoon gropes after the keys to his own apartment and squeezes the phone between his shoulder and ear. "About the casting call from London."  
  
"He did." In the midst of everything, Taekwoon had almost forgotten about that. He closes the door behind him and takes the phone in his hand again. "I… might need a few more days to think about it."  
  
He can still taste Jaehwan on his lips when he licks them. This morning, he'd made them breakfast and Jaehwan had eaten without being forced to. He'd tasted like orange juice when he pressed a kiss to Taekwoon's lips at the door, teasing a lick on Taekwoon's upper lip, just to pull away.  _Brat_.  
  
"It's all right," Shinwoo manager says. "The client is going to wait for your answer until next Monday."  
  
"I get it," he says. "Thanks."  
  
He hangs up, and seconds later he gets a message from Jaehwan.  
  
_u forgot something here_ , it says. Taekwoon frowns. He's pretty sure he went there with nothing but his clothes, a coat, and his keys. He has everything.  
  
Another messages pops up.  
  
_lol just joking hyung i just wanted an excuse for u to sleep here again_.  
  


★ ★ ★

  
Sanghyuk is flipping through the pages of a magazine when Taekwoon opens the door to the hang-out room. Hongbin looks up from his phone and waves at him from the couch. Myungsoo is sleeping on Hongbin's lap. "He's always so sleepy these days," Hongbin says, poking at Myungsoo's cheek, and Taekwoon smiles.  
  
"Hyung," Sanghyuk calls out. He points to the magazine. "Wasn't Kim Heechul a really famous model who just disappeared?"  
  
He takes the magazine from Sanghyuk's hand, slowly. "He was," he says, reading. "But I guess he's found now."  
  
"I can't believe he was that famous, but people couldn't recognise him on the street for so many years," Hongbin says, frowning.  
  
_We know you went through a lot before you stopped with your job. But how is your life right now, Kim Heechul-ssi?_  is one of the question that the interviewer asks. Taekwoon keeps repeating the question in his head.  
  
_It took time to build my walls back up, but it was all worth it. I find that I'm more happy now than when I was wearing glittery clothes to pose for the cameras. I'm still not whole, but I've learned to put myself back together. The first step is to stop fearing._  
  


★ ★ ★

  
"I used to play football when I was younger," Taekwoon says. Jaehwan looks up from his chest and hums, his voice vibrating against Taekwoon's skin and sending shivers down his spine. He runs his hand through Jaehwan's hair.  
  
"I actually know that. I stalked all of your old stuff when I first met you." Jaehwan says, laughing and moving up to press a wet kiss on his cheek. He rests his head on Taekwoon's shoulder, and he thinks they really should sleep. Jaehwan has a schedule at seven in the morning tomorrow, which means he has to wake up in four hours. "My boyfriend is so cool. Model and football player, huh." Taekwoon snorts. "Why don't you still play?"  
  
He swallows. It shouldn't be too hard to talk about. "One day I slipped and injured my foot. It was pretty serious. I had to go through intense physical therapy if I wanted to ever run safe in the field again."  
  
"I'm listening," Jaehwan says and Taekwoon knows.  
  
"I… I was afraid." This is the second time he's admitting it out loud, and somehow, it doesn't feel as bad. He's willing to let Jaehwan dig up his secrets, and he's willing to tell Jaehwan about them, too. "Football was my only happiness, back then. Losing it like that had been too sudden, and it had hurt. The doctor had said that if I chose to pick up football again, I'd have to be careful." Jaehwan's chest is warm, so warm, and Taekwoon moves closer. He looks into Jaehwan's eyes. "I was afraid I'd have to lose it a second time, so I forced myself to quit."  
  
"Do you miss it?" Jaehwan asks, quietly, putting his palm against Taekwoon's cheek.  
  
"I do. Sometimes."  
  
"I was once afraid of singing, too. When I failed so many auditions."  
  
"But you look so happy doing it."  
  
Jaehwan smiles, "I am happy singing. You probably look happy playing football, too. I'd like to see you score a goal. Maybe I could stand up and shout that it's my boyfriend."  
  
"But you can't."  
  
They have talked about this briefly. There's no way they can hold hands in public or lean too close, or tell the world that they're each other’s, because Jaehwan has a dream, and that is to stand on stage.  _I don't want to lose you_ , Jaehwan had said, and his eyes never wavered. Taekwoon thinks, it doesn't matter if it hurts sometimes, because Jaehwan is his, and all his, when they're at home. They could slowly let their friends know, too. It'll take time, but Taekwoon knows he's already in too deep to back out. He doesn't  _want_  to, either.  
  
"No, I can't," Jaehwan says, and his smile is sad, and Taekwoon almost imagines himself breaking apart. Jaehwan is holding his hand, though, so he doesn't. "But I'd still like to see it."  
  
"Maybe one day," Taekwoon says, leaning forward, and Jaehwan's lips opens up for him.  
  


★ ★ ★

  
There's a billboard outside the company that had Taekwoon’s face on it before. He arrives to work to see it being replaced by another one, and it's a familiar face, but it doesn't sting. He smiles up at Hongbin's face. "So, this is it." His steps are light when he walks inside the company to find the director.  
  


★ ★ ★

  
"I'm agreeing to do the commercial," he says. The director smiles and doesn't look as surprised as Taekwoon had thought he'd be. Maybe he'd been expecting it. "On one condition."  
  
He'd thought it through three whole days, lying in bed — Jaehwan's bed — with a sleeping Jaehwan next to him. There are a lot of things he'd like to do now. He'd like to pick up studying again, first of all. He'd like to travel around the world, go fishing with his father, help his mother cook, have conversations with his sisters. And maybe, just maybe, take Jaehwan home. He's not hoping for acceptance. He's just tired of hiding.  
  
He's been in this industry for years. Maybe it's time to let go. "What is it?"  
  
Taekwoon lets a smile grow on his lips. "It's been nice staying with you for ten years, and I appreciate the care you've given me." This, however, seems to surprise the director. "After the commercial, I'd like to quit."  
  
"We're not forcing you to do this commercial, Taekwoon, if that's why."  
  
He shakes his head. "That's not why," he says. "Football was a big part of my life. Modeling, was an even bigger part. But I picked it because it wouldn't be difficult to let go or lose later." He thinks of waking up next to Jaehwan in the morning and feeling his heart squeeze. It's a happiness he'd like to keep no matter what. But to do that, he has to  _stop fearing_. "So now I'm letting it go."  
  
"Are you sure?" The director is smiling again now, though. "It's been so nice to have you here, Taekwoon."  
  
"It's been nice to be here," he says. He means it.  
  


★ ★ ★

  
Hakyeon's eyes are on them, and Taekwoon knows that he knows. He doesn't say anything, though, and only starts  to smile fondly at Jongdae bothering Chanyeol again. "Jongdae got himself a hot date yesterday, too bad he was dumped in the last minute," Chanyeol says, and Jongdae is quick to throw a punch that Chanyeol skilfully avoids as though it's happened a thousand times before. Which, it probably has.  
  
Jaehwan is laughing out loud, and Taekwoon feels his hand squeeze in Jaehwan's grip, under the table. Nothing has really changed. Jaehwan stills sends him thirty-two messages a day and Taekwoon still refuses to answer, and they still go on coffee dates. Dinner is often at Jaehwan's house, though, because Jaehwan likes to eat slowly, and he says he likes it when Taekwoon cooks for him.  
  
"You're traveling to London, then?" Ryeowook says. "To shoot the commercial?"  
  
"Jaehwan is following?" Hakyeon says, whistling, and Taekwoon feels a sudden surge of panic when Jongdae's eyes travels to their hands. They're only half-hidden. Jongdae looks away, though, and Taekwoon can almost see a smile forming on his lips. He learns to relax after a while. He doesn't let go of Jaehwan's hand, though.  
  
"I have a schedule in London, too," Jaehwan says. It's not really a lie. He's shooting his music video in Brighton. "So, that's why."  
  
"Last thing, huh?" Chanyeol says. "Aw, now Jongdae won't be able to call you Mr. Supermodel anymore."  
  
"Taekwoon will always be Mr. Supermodel," Jongdae says. "And you will always be Mr. Supermodel's least favourite. No, wait, you're actually everyone's least favourite." Then he laughs a rather obnoxious laughter.  
  
"I swear to God—"  
  
"Have fun, guys," Hakyeon says, before he's too busy holding Chanyeol back from throwing his smoothie glass at Jongdae's face.  
  
Nothing's changed, except that Jaehwan is here, and no one seems to really care if they hold hands or not, and Taekwoon thinks this, this is nice.  
  


★ ★ ★

  
Fortunately, London is sunny today. Taekwoon is sweating even though he's wearing a thin football uniform. It feels weird. He hasn't been in one for years. He hasn't worn cleats for years. It's also exciting and if he tries to focus on Jaehwan's smile instead, he might be able to ignore the anxiety filling him.  
  
"Be careful," Jaehwan says. He puts his hand on Taekwoon's shoulder and doesn't stand too close, because there are people watching, but his eyes are sparkling. He looks more beautiful than usual, with the sunlight on him, and Taekwoon wants to pull him in for a kiss. He can't. He'll just have to endure six hours of filming before he can even touch Jaehwan.  
  
The other people acting as his teammates gather on the left side, and the opposite team on the right. Someone shouts that it's time for filming, and Jaehwan squeezes his hand one last time, then runs to stand at the sides. He's not removing his eyes from Taekwoon, and Taekwoon has a feeling he won't ever. It makes him feel safe. He turns to the camera.  
  
"Ready?"  
  
How many years has it been? It’s a surprise that he still remembers everything; running for the ball, shouting to the others as though it's a real match, and for the first time in ten years, he's feeling the familiar happiness spreading from his heart and stretching out to his fingertips, and when he kicks, he scores.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> this was really fun to write but because of the stress, i was also anxious writing it lmfao. i had to cut down almost 20k from it to be honest, and i shortened the plot quite a lot. serves me right for starting on it so late. 
> 
> i hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> keo for life okay  
> can i be the captain of the keo ship yet


End file.
